Frustration

I am not stable. I know that I am not stable because my mood swings every couple of hours. I was convinced that I am hypomanic, or that a hypomanic episode is about to start, but it seems that I’m really mixed.

Some recent events exacerbated these emotions and moods. My housemate, who also has bipolar, had a crisis two days ago. I called the emergency services for her, took care of her as much as I could (I was really agitated and truly hypomanic that day). She then ended up waiting for 5 hours in the emergency room…

The system is a mess, besides the support I have from university, I don’t feel like I am being supported at all. I am still on the waiting list for seeing a specialist.

I can say though, that today I had a small victory. I accompanied my friend to the doctor and then convinced her to go back on medication. It’s the first step.

I wish I could get involved more and help more people struggling with this vile disease. I certainly have to take care of myself first, to get back my strength, to find balance again.

I hope you are all doing well! Big hugs!

Advertisements

My mind is a box of frogs

My mind is a box of frogs

They leap, and dance, and sing

They chat, they laugh, they fight.

I do like frogs, they’re tiny little creatures,

But not inside my head,

Not making all this noise.

It’s like a song going on on repeat until you hate it

It’s like a never ending circus melody,

It’s fun and games until it’s anger and venom

It’s fun and games until it’s sweat and fear

It’s oh, so nice when it begins,

When the frogs are still friends with each other,

When the crocodiles are still away,

When the water in the pond is still clear,

But no matter how good is the party,

The pond will get too small, the frogs too loud,

And the crocodiles will come.

BD and BPD

When was the last time I posted? Too long ago. My life got crazy busy. I am back home for one month before I have to return to studies and give my best. It’s my final year.

Health-wise, it’s been a bumpy ride. Mixed episodes and…something that is called “splitting” and is one of the Borderline Personality Disorder traits. Long story short, I lost friends. I’ve been mean, angry, finding every flaw. I was scared that I am going to be abandoned so I pushed them away, to spare some of the hurt.

I have so many questions about these two disorders. Is Borderline just another form of Bipolar? How do I recognize when my Borderline is showing up, because the irritability and lack of consideration for others can appear during hypomania as well. These comorbid disorders are confusing, draining, and making my head spin.

I read my medical file from my pdoc. There is no clear mention of Bipolar or Borderline. I’ve been told that doctors don’t mention it because they think it’s for the good of the patient. The terms he used to describe my history clearly show that I am struggling with this, though.No labels, just the indications, so my next doctor will be able to understand the diagnosis.

I am home now. I am a bit hyper, but peaceful? I am going to rest and maybe work on a small landscaping project for my flower garden.

I am hoping for the best!

Where is the Art?

I have been asked many times why my blog URL is “theproblemwithart”, but I never post any of my drawings, doodles, paintings or creative work here. It’s a good question. I created the blog when I was in a deep, debilitating depressive mood, as a coping mechanism, as an outlet for my racing thoughts, gloomy thoughts, things that speak to me. It got in  the direction of a blog that is about my experiences with mental illness while being a creative individual.

Under those circumstances, with depression eating at me, my creativity had to suffer. This, and the thought of my work not being good enough, made it impossible for me to post anything here.

As you might know, I have Bipolar type 2. It happens that right now I am in what I call it my “up cycle” and I can be creative. In fact, I have a lot of energy and ideas. Fortunately, the medication helps me not to get too high and makes it a bit easier to concentrate. I am not going into details about how I experience hypomania. Maybe I will in the future, when I will dedicate a post to it.

This is about me and what I do. I call it “my work”, but this too, is a coping mechanism. Expression is liberating. It soothes my soul when I am depressed, it makes my heart smile when I am happy. This is a big step for me. I am going to face my fears and post one of my paintings here.

I find this painting appropriate for my mood right now. Vibrant, warm, energetic, bold. I call it “Fire”. It’s a small, 20x20cm (8×8 inch) acrylics on canvas. All rights reserved, all wrongs reserved, you know.

I would like to hear your thoughts, feelings, interpretations of this painting. How does it make you feel? What does it say to you?de-pus-pe-blog-fire--retouched

Change?

Weekends have always been very hard for me, but this time things seem fine. I am not sure that the pattern has been broken, if it’s just because of endorphins flooding my brain, or because I am in my up cycle again. Anyway, things seem more manageable and my senses are back and really intense.

I guess, the secret is to embrace whatever state I am in, understand it, talk back, learn to dance with it. If depression is a lady in black, then hypomania is a fairy in a rainbow coloured long dress. Will they ever make friends with each other?

The big “D”

Did I make you smile? If so, that’s great (you dirty minded people, I love you).

I am going to talk about the big D. And the big D stands for Depression. Yes…I am sorry I spoiled the fun, but that’s what depression is doing to me. Spoiling all the fun.

So, coming down from hypomania, I know that depression follows. It comes with hypersomnia, executive dysfunction, migraines, isolation. To help you imagine how it looks like, I am going to paint a picture of myself at the moment: on the couch, not enough energy to move more than a couple of meters. Baggy clothes (sometimes pyjamas I wore for the last couple of days), messy hair, plates on top of plates on the coffee table. Cups, mugs, pencils, sketching paper, lists, paint brushes. All the things I said I am going to do and then they end up in a big pile next to me. Reaching them seems like climbing Everest.

I think that it is obvious that I hate this state. I always say that I am going to be prepared for the crash. I sometimes think that the hypomanic me can sometimes make a lot of things and take care of the depressed me. It never happens, because those days of high energy seem so far away and I am so absorbed in this slow, bleak mess.

I know it’s going to pass, at the same time I can’t help it and feel it in my bones. The lack of vitality, the desaturated colours around me, the cold light coming through the window.

It’s going to get better. The luscious colours are going to come back once the depression goggles are off. Until then, maybe I can paint them…

I am back (I hope)

I’ve been quiet for a while. I’ve spent my time trying to get back on track with my university work and riding the waves of high and low energy. I am writing this post right after my appointment with my pdoc. I am going to start a mood stabilizer. I was really reluctant to the idea of taking new medication on top my antidepressants because I thought I can control my moods really well…until I couldn’t.

Hypomania is so great, so seducing. Until it gets messy. Until everything is too much. Until you can’t really distinguish the anxiety from the other racing thoughts. It gets too much, way too much sometimes, putting a lot of pressure on one’s body. And even so, this is not my biggest problem.

Mixed episodes and depression are my big problems. Feeling like I am being pulled in different directions, like my body and mind are not synchronized. Becoming totally lost after a while, not functioning.

I am hoping for the best! or better…or at least a bit better.