What is life if not a magical combination of choice and uncertainty? So many things happened in my life recently. Tears, laughter, mania, depression, love, disappointment, tough choices. I am going in the right direction and that means going through a transitional period. Transition hurts. I am still hopeful and clawing my way up these tall walls life has put around me.
My mind is restless. My blood pressure is high. It feels like electricity is running through my veins. My hear beats faster than ever. My head is burning. I want to work, learn, chat, dance…and even so, I am so tired. Such a contrast, two different forces in contradiction, coexisting. Ying and Yang…
How am I managing? I have no clue. I am worried about the crash. My therapist said something that quite eye-opening: “how bad do your symptoms have to get in order for you to seek help?”
The truth is, I am high functioning and I like it. 2 jobs, full time education, and bipolar. My plate is full. I don’t know when to stop and ask for help. I am trying my best to make sense of all that’s happening around me. I am tired…and manic.
My mind is a box of frogs
They leap, and dance, and sing
They chat, they laugh, they fight.
I do like frogs, they’re tiny little creatures,
But not inside my head,
Not making all this noise.
It’s like a song going on on repeat until you hate it
It’s like a never ending circus melody,
It’s fun and games until it’s anger and venom
It’s fun and games until it’s sweat and fear
It’s oh, so nice when it begins,
When the frogs are still friends with each other,
When the crocodiles are still away,
When the water in the pond is still clear,
But no matter how good is the party,
The pond will get too small, the frogs too loud,
And the crocodiles will come.
I have been asked many times why my blog URL is “theproblemwithart”, but I never post any of my drawings, doodles, paintings or creative work here. It’s a good question. I created the blog when I was in a deep, debilitating depressive mood, as a coping mechanism, as an outlet for my racing thoughts, gloomy thoughts, things that speak to me. It got in the direction of a blog that is about my experiences with mental illness while being a creative individual.
Under those circumstances, with depression eating at me, my creativity had to suffer. This, and the thought of my work not being good enough, made it impossible for me to post anything here.
As you might know, I have Bipolar type 2. It happens that right now I am in what I call it my “up cycle” and I can be creative. In fact, I have a lot of energy and ideas. Fortunately, the medication helps me not to get too high and makes it a bit easier to concentrate. I am not going into details about how I experience hypomania. Maybe I will in the future, when I will dedicate a post to it.
This is about me and what I do. I call it “my work”, but this too, is a coping mechanism. Expression is liberating. It soothes my soul when I am depressed, it makes my heart smile when I am happy. This is a big step for me. I am going to face my fears and post one of my paintings here.
I find this painting appropriate for my mood right now. Vibrant, warm, energetic, bold. I call it “Fire”. It’s a small, 20x20cm (8×8 inch) acrylics on canvas. All rights reserved, all wrongs reserved, you know.
I would like to hear your thoughts, feelings, interpretations of this painting. How does it make you feel? What does it say to you?