Fast

Out of my depressive mood. Yay! Hypomania is here and it’s giving me a bit of a hard time, but there’s nothing compared with depression.

I am fast. I am full of energy. I am loud and outgoing. I can do so much (or so I think).

Song of the day : Sia – Unstoppable

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Conversations

How powerful a conversation can be! How much it can change your perspective and offer you a way out of your self absorbed vision.

Connection and communication are so powerful and meaningful things we have in our lives and sometimes we take for granted. This is what saves me on some days: a meaningful and raw conversation with another soul. Knocking down walls, caring, being vulnerable. Putting my armor away, being free of that crushing weight I carry every day when presenting myself to the world, is one of the best feelings.

There will always be someone special  out there, who can listen, who can help, who can understand. Don’t give up!

Up

These weeks of silent mourning for a normal life can teach one valuable lessons about gratitude. How many things do we take for granted? The answer: a lot, most of them.

I took for granted being able to sleep well, eat well, feel well. I took for granted being able to smile and dance and run and paint. I took for granted my feelings. I took for granted my body and its capacity to heal itself.

I am working on being more compassionate with myself. Loving myself more. Giving myself the care I need, the care I would offer to a friend, a loved one. I know that the resources are there just waiting to be rediscovered.

I think, once you hit rock bottom and manage to stay here, the only way is up. I am excited about the hard journey. After all, I love climbing mountains.

Detachment

“I don’t care” is a lie that I told so many times. Why do I choose to walk away from things instead of confronting them and why do I keep telling that I don’t care when it’s clear that I do?

I wish that one day I will have the courage to leave my heart unprotected and the fear of getting hurt or me hurting others will disappear. Until then…I will try to detach myself.

While in this state, I am distant. I still care, though, quite a lot. I think people would know if they would really look because my colours didn’t change. I am the same person they knew before learning that I am going through a difficult journey. I am the same person I have always been,but if you can’t handle me…then you can walk away.

“But I never changed a single color that I breathe
So you could have tried to take a closer look at me” –Of Monsters and Man, Organs