Watercolours

I fell in love with watercolours. I remember hating them in high school. Now I can say that they are one of my favourite media.

What do I like about them: fluidity, vibrance, freedom. And somehow, they are independent. Just look how the colours move, blend into each other, create new shades, watermarks and effects. This lack of rigidity is what makes them such powerful means of artistic expression. Once again,“what is soft is strong”.

I have a lot more to learn. I am grateful for having the opportunity to do so. I can concentrate today. It’s a good day!

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Day off?

I had a rough night. My sleeping medication didn’t help much, even in an increased dose. I’ve been tossing and turning and I had nightmares. I woke up many times to find myself covered in sweat and shaking.

I am doing my best to keep my routine, to sort out my sleep somehow, to get rest. Since the beginning of the week this was really difficult to do. I am back in my insomnia phase and this makes me crumble faster than anything.

Today I need to take a day off. I am going to tackle little tasks and that’s it. I have already spent half of my day in bed, curled under the blanket and trying to tame my headache somehow.

I should spend the rest of the day in “cat mode” :).

Feeling too much

 

“Couldn’t relax, couldn’t sit back
And let the sunlight, in my lap
I sang a hymn
To bring me peace
And then it came, a melody

It felt so sweet
It felt so strong
It made me feel like
I belonged
And all the sadness inside me
Melted away
Like I was free ”

Started my day listening to this awesome song from Marina and the Diamonds and thinking about what a crazy week I had. Even if all these struggles sometimes make me feel alive…I am tired. I could use some peace, some clarity and more understanding.

I am this very concentrated cluster of emotion. You can’t see it on the outside most of the time, but I am restless. It is exhausting and exciting at the same time, the problem is that sometimes the exhaustion grows stronger than the excitement and the questions are overwhelming me.

All I ever wanted was to understand. To look a bit further than the facade. I guess I should be careful not to get myself lost inside your labyrinth while trying to understand you… But maybe I won’t because “I found what I’ve been looking for in myself”.

 

 

Life in survival mode

Sometimes too many things happen in a short period of time. Currently finding myself swimming is this sea of problems which tear into me like wolves.

The bad part? I can ask myself over and over again what all this is going to teach me, I can make really reasonable scenarios in my head that all these have a secret purpose I don’t understand right now, but it all seems fake.

I can ask myself these questions when the situations have been directly influenced by some decisions I made. This time it isn’t like this. Life happens and problems come in floods and I somehow need to keep myself floating…

 

Mood…

I wonder if any other depression and anxiety sufferers experience these violent mood swings like I do. I am going to offer you an example of a roller coaster day: wake up with my little cloud, quite hard to get out of bed. Manage to get out of bed and start my day and then it comes an energy boost :” I’m going to do so much, I’m feeling great!”. And so I start doing my things: exercise, learn, cook, draw, work on my projects.

At one point, anxiety strikes and I am sometimes very close to a panic attack and other times a full blow panic attack is debilitating me ( like 2 days ago). I go from lethargic to energetic and back on crying in a matter of minutes. This often happens more than one time throughout the day…

I am confused and trying to understand myself better. What is my brain trying to tell me? What am I doing wrong?

Close

How can we be close to our loved ones if we are physically away? I’ve been away from home since I was 16…and even more so after starting university. Sometimes all the phone calls, messages and video calls are not enough.

Is this distance actually reinforcing our connection or are we slowly growing apart? I’m scared when sometimes I am trying to get closer and I get stopped by high walls. Am I seen as an outsider in my closest social circle?

Do I have a home? Do I have many homes? Where is my true North?

The restless nights

I was tired. Couldn’t wait to go to bed. I often consider sleep as being an escape. Comfortable in bed, hugging my pillow, warm and cozy. I can feel how my eyelids are getting heavier and there’s a feeling of relief washing over me.

Something happens. Thoughts. Random. Spinning and spinning and spinning. Ideas, inspiration…what’s wrong? I manage to fall asleep thinking of magnolia trees in bloom.

40 minutes. I slept for 40 minutes. I am wide awake now and I feel like leaving my bed and start doing something. Reading maybe. I decide not to and I manage to tame my thoughts a little bit. Another 30 minutes of sleep follow.

The pattern continues until the morning when I decide that I’m going to start my day even if I’m going to feel like a zombie. And then…sleep finally hits me. Full force. Deep sleep.

What year is it?

One life = One novel

How would it be if us people would share our life stories as novels. Think of the multitude of experiences, of the wisdom and understanding. You wouldn’t have to sign the novel, nobody would know it is you who has written it. You’d start writing at an early age and keep collecting memories and let them flow on paper.

Would one novel be enough for some lives? Perhaps not. You’d be able to write as much as you feel it’s right. There are so many stories. Why are we afraid to share them?

Busy

Okay…let’s talk about  being busy. And the glorification of being busy. Since I was little, this concept of “hard work” and being “busy like a bee” has been implanted in my mind.

Where I am from, owning a house is a full time job. You have a garden where you grow food, you usually have animals to take care of, your parents are usually working long shifts and if you are the older child, you’ll find yourself in the position of caring for your baby siblings.

I can’t remember the last time me and my family had a vacation. And when this happened it was brief, maximum of 5 days somewhere nice.

So, how do I rewire my brain not to punish me with bad thoughts when I am resting or when I don’t have as many things to do?  I tend to fill my schedule even when it is not necessary. Part of my depression is genetic and I know there’s not much I can do about it. Even so, the trigger for my depression was burnout. My degree requires a lot of dedication and sleepless nights. Add a part time job and family problems and you have the perfect cocktail to set your brain on fire.

I am currently not facing too much pressure from an academic point of view and sometimes I find it weird when I find myself resting, doing nothing, like the concept of “pausing”is something alien to my being. I am trying to remind myself that nobody is productive 24/7 and that bodies need rest, food, attention and patience.

Wish me luck in my studies. It seems that mastering this one lesson is a bit harder than I thought!

 

 

 

Hard

Today is hard. I am feeling overwhelmed. It is hard to move, hard to exercise, hard to draw, hard to exist. I feel like I am trying to swim in a pool of sticky black tar.

My body is heavy. Motivation doesn’t exist. There’s this constant feeling of being worthless, a burden, a lost cause.

I know all of these are just lies, I know this is not the reality. Even so, I am so exhausted and life seems bleak. I am still able to feel and this is good. The positive feelings give me an impulse to “wake up” from this bad dream, like somebody pinching me when I am about to doze off.

I sometimes have the feeling that this little body of mine is not enough to contain all of my soul and emotions. It is crowded in here. Do you feel the same?