Decisions part 2 

It’s decided. I am taking time off so I can get the treatment I need and the peace of mind I deserve. It’s hard…it was a hard decision, but I need to give myself credit for being brave and going through this process without having panic attacks. 

I am currently feeling tired. The medication induced exhaustion. Headaches, feeling faint, lightheaded. I am still waiting for my body to adjust to the increased dose of antidepressant and mood stabiliser. 

I managed to reduce the amount of sleep medication. Reading before bed helps me a lot. It feels great to have time to read again. I need this. I also made the sketch for a painting I am going to complete tomorrow, and I also want to improve my digital drawing skills. 

The job situation is still not okay, and I don’t know feel like I am able to tackle job applications and CV’s right now. I need some time…The way I lost my job made me get a lot of anxiety about jobs and employers in general. It also made me doubt myself and my skills. What am I supposed to say in the “I consider myself having a disability” box? Yes? No? Revealing my Bipolar diagnostic made me vulnerable. It got me fired. I need to work on this for a while, to get over it. 

Maybe I am over-sensitive, but this experience was traumatic for me. It triggered a serious depressive episode from which I am still recovering. It made me give up on travelling to a beautiful city beacuse of complete exhaustion to the point of getting catatonic…

I am still here, I am still breathing, I am alive, I will recover.

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Decisions

Let’s imagine the following scenario: you are a twenty something years old student, in your final year, 3 months away from graduation. The field of study is challenging, but you love it. It seems that you have it all going on, that your world is perfect. You are involved, you are the advocate, you stand up for yourself and others. You are a problem solver. On top of this, there’s almost one year since you got your diagnosis of Bipolar Disorder. You managed. You relapsed, you were close to being hospitalised, you kept going.

And now, you are going through hell again. Medication stopped doing much and you lost your balance. You are pushing yourself every single day, you put the smiley face badge on your coat, and you carry your materials and books to campus. People tell you “you look tired”, and you tell them that you pulled an all nighter. It’s not too much of a lie, you did, only it wasn’t because you studied, but because you couldn’t stop the thoughts from spinning inside your head.

You are feeling like you are not capable of completing your academic work. You are sleep walking through your day and spend your nights awake, tormented by negative thoughts.

“You have it all, there’s so little left, why can’t you do it? loser, you are a loser, a coward. How can other people do it? You are going to disappoint everybody. Your dad doesn’t want to talk to you anyway…he knows how much of a disappointment you are. ”

And you have to decide, do you keep pushing even if you are feeling so faint, or do you take time to rest? Why is this so difficult, you ask? Well, after a life of doing what is best for others, it’s hard to see what it’s better for yourself. In fact, you see it, but you choose to do what’s best for others…why?

Early morning musings

It’s 5:20 AM. I know that I am becoming unwell. Sometimes I can just feel it. It’s making me angry. Because of this, I’m often thinking that my disorder is not real, that I am faking it. It’s turmoil. 

But enough about me. I am not worried about myself right now, I am more angry at the society we live in. A society where telling your employer about your problems can get you fired. A society where men are considered weak for crying. A society where we are told to keep our problems to ourselves, where talking about mental illness is still frowned upon. 

I am sick and tired of this, and i just want to tell you that you are worth it, beautiful, awesome, wonderful. Your mental illness is not making you weak. You deserve a medal. You are strong. I love you. I care about you. I am going to be by your side. I don’t want to see you checking out of this place. You are worth it. You deserve the best. You deserve happiness. I care. Because you and me are the same. Same stardust. This is a message for you…and it’s a message for me. 

I know that the following days are going to be tough. I know that I might need a bit more help than usual. I know all this. 

I accept it. I am a warrior and will always be one. And so are you!!