Beautiful

The black clouds are still here, but I am not void of emotion this time. This is one of the best things right now: feeling, not being numb. I am really grateful that I can feel so deeply. Yes, it is a bit terrifying being so vulnerable and so open. Numbing everything and wrapping myself in protective cocoon is easy and safe, but it is also bland and lifeless. I choose feeling over numbness.

Today’s mantra would sound like this : There are beautiful people in this world and I am blessed to have them in my life. (Yes, you are one of them!)

Shout out

To all of you, beautiful people from near and far! I want to remind you how strong you are. You are not a burden, you are not broken beyond repair, you are not what your darkest thoughts are telling you.

You are pretty darn awesome! You are the hero of your own story, even if sometimes it seems that you get tangled in your own webs.

Let your light shine! You are beautiful :).

Walk

I always enjoyed walking. Get outside, no certain direction, roam. Walk on streets I’ve never walked before, observe and discover.

Since my black clouds have gathered, walking has become sort of a therapy I can easily access. I am grateful to live in a really beautiful and charming town I have not yet fully explored. There are always things to discover: new flowers in the park, how the lamps cast their shadows across the different types of pavement, how the windows of the houses across the river look at night.

The best part about walking is that it never fails offering me a bit of relief. Even when I am quite flat and numb and tired, the simple act of going out and moving a bit helps me. It feels like an achievement on a day when everything seems a bit too difficult.

Storm clouds ahead

Changes. Nothing is permanent after all. Sunny days are followed by rainy days. It’s only natural.

It’s a bit ironic how I’m never prepared for this. I’ve been here before, I know the pattern, I know everything…and I just want to cling to the better days and not let go. I carry an umbrella with me when it’s sunny outside, just in case. It suddenly starts raining and I realize that I forgot my umbrella today. The rain is pouring and I decide to go back to bed, which is now my micro universe. Books are going to keep me company. Some more coffee and a hot shower and I am going to call it a day.

 

Monday

“The real voyage of discovery consists not in seeking new landscapes, but in having new eyes.”― Marcel Proust

This might be the quote which sets the mood for today. Can I say that I am feeling weird? Because I am feeling weird. It seems to be one of those days when I can’t decide what I am feeling exactly. There’s a silver lining, though: I am not scared of this feeling anymore. It’s exciting and interesting to explore and discover new depths of my own mind. I like learning. I am learning about myself now. I have new eyes.

 

Awake

After weeks of turmoil, the last couple of days were a blessing. I am trying to fully cherish this good feeling I have. It’s like waking up from a bad dream or like getting relief after carrying the weight of the world on my shoulders.

It’s not like my bad thoughts vanished or that the little monster who’s eating at my soul making me question everything died. I know they are still there. They’re a bit more peaceful. If this is the calm before of the storm , then I want to enjoy it for as much as it is going to last.

Soundtrack of today: Regina Spektor – Better

Weekend

Grey, wet and and windy outside. I am all cozy and warm inside and drinking the best coffee I’ve had in a while. Warm and fuzzy feelings, positive thoughts and love. Sweet laziness and this half smile on my face.

A couple of weeks ago, these feelings seemed to be gone forever and impossible. I was incapable of feeling. My soul consisted of white noise.

Not feeling like disintegrating today. I want to be here, to live and love and dream.

Just another day

Busy. Appointments. Not going to class. Running. Getting ready. Getting out there. Thoughts spinning. Lonely. Disconnected. Medication. Doctors. Therapy. Money. Sleeping pills. Coffee. Anxiety. Hyper. Lethargic. War. Not moving. Moving again. Lists. Sketches. CBT. Meditation. I love myself. I hate myself. I am enough. I am not enough. Laughing. Crying. Anger. I love people. I hate everybody. I am tough. I am weak and needy. I can do it! What’s the purpose? I’m okay. Save me. I don’t need to be saved. Why did you abandon me? Go away! Sleep. Numb. Peace. Forever.