Frustration

I am not stable. I know that I am not stable because my mood swings every couple of hours. I was convinced that I am hypomanic, or that a hypomanic episode is about to start, but it seems that I’m really mixed.

Some recent events exacerbated these emotions and moods. My housemate, who also has bipolar, had a crisis two days ago. I called the emergency services for her, took care of her as much as I could (I was really agitated and truly hypomanic that day). She then ended up waiting for 5 hours in the emergency room…

The system is a mess, besides the support I have from university, I don’t feel like I am being supported at all. I am still on the waiting list for seeing a specialist.

I can say though, that today I had a small victory. I accompanied my friend to the doctor and then convinced her to go back on medication. It’s the first step.

I wish I could get involved more and help more people struggling with this vile disease. I certainly have to take care of myself first, to get back my strength, to find balance again.

I hope you are all doing well! Big hugs!

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Looking back

Sleepless nights are great for thinking and meditation and I want to think that I am able to control my racing thoughts sometimes. Last night was one of these nights. I’ve been able to untangle some thoughts from the concentrated cluster.

I was thinking about how much I’ve been through this year. I have two months left until I return home. I am hoping to make the most of them. I have mixed feelings about this year, and I think this is only natural. It’s been a great year overall, but I feel like I could have done more if I wouldn’t have had to struggle with my emotional problems.

This year is going to stay in my memory as both a blessing and a curse. I am grateful for the wonderful experiences, the personal growth this experience has brought, the improvement of my skills. I am especially grateful for the beautiful people I have met.

And, I guess I am grateful that I got a diagnosis as well. It’s been really hard to find a doctor, there were the language barriers, the different systems. Don’t get me wrong, I am not grateful for my disorder, but I am grateful that I was able to get the treatment and support I needed. Knowledge is power and now that I know what’s going on, I can tackle this. I can find my coping strategies, I can understand more of what’s going on inside my quirky brain.

The bottom line would be that, no matter what, I want to look back to this year as being a great experience. Yes, there have been difficulties, yes, I’ve been struggling, but I am here now. I am alive. This is a huge achievement :).

For all the people struggling out there: you are awesome, powerful and great! Don’t give up! It’s going to get better. It’s not a linear process, but you can learn to ride the waves. Much love! ❤