After a long break

I am back? I am never sure. My lack of activity on this blog means only one thing: depressive cycle, low cycle. As time goes by, I am becoming more aware and accepting of my Bipolar type 2 diagnosis.

This post is going to be boring. I’ve been struggling with medication, I had a scare about a possible Lamictal rash, I gained 4 kg and then lost them in less than 2 weeks. Continuous roller coaster. I am overwhelmed, I am trying to be mindful and live in the moment. I am getting there!

I hope all of you are doing well!

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Connection

This poem speaks to me on so many levels. Enjoy!

In an effort to get people to look
into each other’s eyes more,
and also to appease the mutes,
the government has decided
to allot each person exactly one hundred
and sixty-seven words, per day.

When the phone rings, I put it to my ear
without saying hello. In the restaurant
I point at chicken noodle soup.
I am adjusting well to the new way.

Late at night, I call my long distance lover,
proudly say I only used fifty-nine today.
I saved the rest for you.

When she doesn’t respond,
I know she’s used up all her words,
so I slowly whisper I love you
thirty-two and a third times.
After that, we just sit on the line
and listen to each other breathe.
– The Quiet World, Jeffrey McDaniel

I am back (I hope)

I’ve been quiet for a while. I’ve spent my time trying to get back on track with my university work and riding the waves of high and low energy. I am writing this post right after my appointment with my pdoc. I am going to start a mood stabilizer. I was really reluctant to the idea of taking new medication on top my antidepressants because I thought I can control my moods really well…until I couldn’t.

Hypomania is so great, so seducing. Until it gets messy. Until everything is too much. Until you can’t really distinguish the anxiety from the other racing thoughts. It gets too much, way too much sometimes, putting a lot of pressure on one’s body. And even so, this is not my biggest problem.

Mixed episodes and depression are my big problems. Feeling like I am being pulled in different directions, like my body and mind are not synchronized. Becoming totally lost after a while, not functioning.

I am hoping for the best! or better…or at least a bit better.

Zombie on cocaine

I think this is the best description I can give for what I felt these last 2 days. It happened to me to feel so horribly depressed and elated at the same time. It is hard to imagine how one person can feel like that, but it is possible. It is exhausting, confusing, overwhelming and terrifying.

At the moment I am feeling like I can write 1000 words per minute, but am I going to feel the same in 10 minutes? I don’t know. It’s hard to ride these abrupt swings. I am living in a continuous tension, uncertain what the next moment is going to bring.

 

My mind is a hurricane

At the moment I do not know where I am from a psychological point of view. I am doing my best. I am keeping a routine. I am taking my medication.

My mother has seen me and her opinion was that I am doing great. I sometimes believe this too. I am well, depression is gone and I can function properly. Maybe I’ve never been depressed!

These are dangerous thoughts. I need to take a step back every time and reassess the situation. Am I really better being given that my insomnia is back? What about my mood swings? Why do they happen?

Am I that good at taming my dark thoughts? I’ve always recovered quite fast after a breakdown.

I’m living in the extremes. Intensity is what I am feeling right now, but in the evening I might feel empty. Maybe I am not patient enough. I am aware that I only started this higher dose of treatment 3 months ago. I am aware that I still need to do a lot in therapy even if we managed to go way underneath the surface from the first sessions…

It’s one of that times when insecurity seems to take over. Going to carry on!

Mood…

I wonder if any other depression and anxiety sufferers experience these violent mood swings like I do. I am going to offer you an example of a roller coaster day: wake up with my little cloud, quite hard to get out of bed. Manage to get out of bed and start my day and then it comes an energy boost :” I’m going to do so much, I’m feeling great!”. And so I start doing my things: exercise, learn, cook, draw, work on my projects.

At one point, anxiety strikes and I am sometimes very close to a panic attack and other times a full blow panic attack is debilitating me ( like 2 days ago). I go from lethargic to energetic and back on crying in a matter of minutes. This often happens more than one time throughout the day…

I am confused and trying to understand myself better. What is my brain trying to tell me? What am I doing wrong?