Early morning musings

It’s 5:20 AM. I know that I am becoming unwell. Sometimes I can just feel it. It’s making me angry. Because of this, I’m often thinking that my disorder is not real, that I am faking it. It’s turmoil. 

But enough about me. I am not worried about myself right now, I am more angry at the society we live in. A society where telling your employer about your problems can get you fired. A society where men are considered weak for crying. A society where we are told to keep our problems to ourselves, where talking about mental illness is still frowned upon. 

I am sick and tired of this, and i just want to tell you that you are worth it, beautiful, awesome, wonderful. Your mental illness is not making you weak. You deserve a medal. You are strong. I love you. I care about you. I am going to be by your side. I don’t want to see you checking out of this place. You are worth it. You deserve the best. You deserve happiness. I care. Because you and me are the same. Same stardust. This is a message for you…and it’s a message for me. 

I know that the following days are going to be tough. I know that I might need a bit more help than usual. I know all this. 

I accept it. I am a warrior and will always be one. And so are you!!

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Life is cruel, but beautiful

I forgot when was the last time I posted, but a lot has happened since then. I lost my job, I got out of an emotionally abusive relationship, I lost people and support, I found people and support…

It’s a lot. I am still struggling. I still need time, so much time. To recover, to live again, to love, to enjoy life, as cruel as it is, as beautiful as it is.

As a final year student, my university work has been piling up and I needed to apply for accommodations in order to be able to submit my work and projects. I am trying my best and it seems that I am getting there. The timing is awful, but this had to happen and it would have happened sooner or later. There’s no point crying about it. I am going to learn from this.

There is light in the dark. You can’t be strong if life only treated you well. You don’t know who your friends are until you are going through war. I am growing from the mud like a lotus flower.

 

Transition

What is life if not a magical combination of choice and uncertainty? So many things happened in my life recently. Tears, laughter, mania, depression, love, disappointment, tough choices. I am going in the right direction and that means going through a transitional period. Transition hurts. I am still hopeful and clawing my way up these tall walls life has put around me.

Dark days

Everything is a blur. I am struggling…I have words playing on and on in my head “medication increase will be needed…you can’t drive…we still consider epilepsy as a cause…MRI…PNES…”

I am barely functioning these days. I am crying a lot. Depression hit me full force after the mania I had 1 or 2 weeks ago. I am not good with time. Time is relative, especially so for those who have bipolar disorder. I just harness all the force I have and keep dragging myself around no matter what…I can’t fall to bed. I need to stand vertical. I will stand vertical!!!

Frustration

I am not stable. I know that I am not stable because my mood swings every couple of hours. I was convinced that I am hypomanic, or that a hypomanic episode is about to start, but it seems that I’m really mixed.

Some recent events exacerbated these emotions and moods. My housemate, who also has bipolar, had a crisis two days ago. I called the emergency services for her, took care of her as much as I could (I was really agitated and truly hypomanic that day). She then ended up waiting for 5 hours in the emergency room…

The system is a mess, besides the support I have from university, I don’t feel like I am being supported at all. I am still on the waiting list for seeing a specialist.

I can say though, that today I had a small victory. I accompanied my friend to the doctor and then convinced her to go back on medication. It’s the first step.

I wish I could get involved more and help more people struggling with this vile disease. I certainly have to take care of myself first, to get back my strength, to find balance again.

I hope you are all doing well! Big hugs!

How do I manage?

I had a bad night last night. At least this time I know the triggers. To put you in theme, I am an architecture student, in my final year of study, I need a job, and I have bipolar disorder.

Yesterday I received my timetable for this academic year and as soon as I’ve seen that I am only going to have 2 days off my legs turned to jelly. How am I supposed to keep this strict routine I need in order to function? How am I supposed to combine work and study? How am I supposed to keep my balance on such a thin wire?

The good thing is that I have the mental health support team who can help me when it comes to deferrals and accommodations, even so, being given how unpredictable this illness can be, nobody can guarantee how I am going to feel tomorrow or in a couple of weeks. Am I going to have more depressive episodes? Am I at risk of going into full blown mania because of stress and pressure? Only time will tell.

Oh well, oh well, I am still hoping for the best!

 

After a long break

I am back? I am never sure. My lack of activity on this blog means only one thing: depressive cycle, low cycle. As time goes by, I am becoming more aware and accepting of my Bipolar type 2 diagnosis.

This post is going to be boring. I’ve been struggling with medication, I had a scare about a possible Lamictal rash, I gained 4 kg and then lost them in less than 2 weeks. Continuous roller coaster. I am overwhelmed, I am trying to be mindful and live in the moment. I am getting there!

I hope all of you are doing well!

Heatwave

It’s been so hot for the last couple of days. After spending a long time in colder climates, heat is just a bit too much for me. I am not being dramatic when I’m saying that spending 30 minutes in the sun can make me literally sick.

I had none of these problems before. Today I overheat so easily. I know that sun exposure should be avoided while on any kind of medication, but even inside the house I have trouble coping. It’s such a pity not being able to enjoy the sunshine before I return to rainy England. I just hope that I can enjoy a couple of days by the pool somewhere in the shade.

Anybody else on mood stabilizers having a hard time coping with the heat?

 

Inspired

What inspires you? For me, visiting new places, especially art museums and art galleries, coffee places, bookstores, historical buildings, forests, fields, lakes…I got a bit carried away here, excuse moi!

Today I visited a fantastic museum dedicated to the work of people with mental disorders. It was a great experience. As an art lover, creative individual and also having a mental disorder, the place was on my list for a long time. Today I felt well enough and capable enough to travel there. I enjoyed every bit of work. I found it special because it spoke to me on so many levels. I could absorb the energy, expression and passion in each one of the pieces.

If you find yourselves in Germany, maybe put this little museum on your list. I think you will enjoy.

When I see art, I want to make art. I used some of my digital sketches as well as one ink drawing I enjoyed so much creating. I put them together in this little piece I call “Complicated Mind”. All rights reserved, all wrongs reserved.

Let me know what you think 🙂

complicated-mind-pnweb

Coming out of the closet

I did it. I wrote about my fight with bipolar disorder and my experience on my social media. The kindness of people overwhelmed the few mean and ignorant messages. I’ve been feeling lighter and free ever since.

I am back in my depressive mood, but it’s not so bad. The dark thoughts are not here. They left me since I started the mood stabilizer medication. I am grateful for that.

I can see the light at the end of the tunnel. Thank you, for keeping me going!