Frustration

I am not stable. I know that I am not stable because my mood swings every couple of hours. I was convinced that I am hypomanic, or that a hypomanic episode is about to start, but it seems that I’m really mixed.

Some recent events exacerbated these emotions and moods. My housemate, who also has bipolar, had a crisis two days ago. I called the emergency services for her, took care of her as much as I could (I was really agitated and truly hypomanic that day). She then ended up waiting for 5 hours in the emergency room…

The system is a mess, besides the support I have from university, I don’t feel like I am being supported at all. I am still on the waiting list for seeing a specialist.

I can say though, that today I had a small victory. I accompanied my friend to the doctor and then convinced her to go back on medication. It’s the first step.

I wish I could get involved more and help more people struggling with this vile disease. I certainly have to take care of myself first, to get back my strength, to find balance again.

I hope you are all doing well! Big hugs!

Advertisements

BD and BPD

When was the last time I posted? Too long ago. My life got crazy busy. I am back home for one month before I have to return to studies and give my best. It’s my final year.

Health-wise, it’s been a bumpy ride. Mixed episodes and…something that is called “splitting” and is one of the Borderline Personality Disorder traits. Long story short, I lost friends. I’ve been mean, angry, finding every flaw. I was scared that I am going to be abandoned so I pushed them away, to spare some of the hurt.

I have so many questions about these two disorders. Is Borderline just another form of Bipolar? How do I recognize when my Borderline is showing up, because the irritability and lack of consideration for others can appear during hypomania as well. These comorbid disorders are confusing, draining, and making my head spin.

I read my medical file from my pdoc. There is no clear mention of Bipolar or Borderline. I’ve been told that doctors don’t mention it because they think it’s for the good of the patient. The terms he used to describe my history clearly show that I am struggling with this, though.No labels, just the indications, so my next doctor will be able to understand the diagnosis.

I am home now. I am a bit hyper, but peaceful? I am going to rest and maybe work on a small landscaping project for my flower garden.

I am hoping for the best!