Recovery

I am recovering…or am I?

Okay. Let me put you in theme with what happened in my life in quite recently. I had a seizure. Yes…a seizure. Epileptic kind of seizure, but I am not diagnosed with epilepsy. Think about collapsing, convulsions, not being able to control my body afterwards.

Sensory overload was the trigger. Light, sounds, smells were way too intense and disturbing. Especially light. I couldn’t open my eyes properly sometimes. Some other times, even with my eyes closed, it seemed like my eyelids weren’t able to protect me from light…

Ambulance, hospital…waiting for an appointment in a specialised clinic. Until then, I need rest. School work is piling up, called in sick at work but will have to return this Friday. I am overwhelmed and I think that I am being in a mixed episode again.

Anger issues. I started crying in the studio and had to run to the restroom where I cried for 1 hour…Back in the studio I couldn’t contain my tears. I am frustrated. I am frustrated that I can’t do the work I have to do, I am frustrated because people are irresponsible and lazy, I am frustrated because I tend to take responsibility and then everybody tends to step back.

When you are high functioning, you can’t properly rest. The world is burning all around me…

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Waiting for the Crisis Team

It’s the weekend. A Saturday, to be precise. I know that you know, but I sometimes have trouble remembering dates, days, etc. I am probably depressed, but I don’t know for sure. I might still be mixed. Isn’t bipolar disorder so fun? (NOT)

Been referred to The Crisis Team by my GP. This happened on Monday this week, while I was tapping with my fingers on my doctor’s desk, swinging my legs back and forth, and feeling like I am burning with rage. They said they’ll see me this afternoon, just to review my medication and offer me support until I actually get to see a psychiatrist here.

It’s 4 PM and I feel like sleeping for a long, long time…I do hope they’ll come to see me, I still hope they’ll come.

Frustration

I am not stable. I know that I am not stable because my mood swings every couple of hours. I was convinced that I am hypomanic, or that a hypomanic episode is about to start, but it seems that I’m really mixed.

Some recent events exacerbated these emotions and moods. My housemate, who also has bipolar, had a crisis two days ago. I called the emergency services for her, took care of her as much as I could (I was really agitated and truly hypomanic that day). She then ended up waiting for 5 hours in the emergency room…

The system is a mess, besides the support I have from university, I don’t feel like I am being supported at all. I am still on the waiting list for seeing a specialist.

I can say though, that today I had a small victory. I accompanied my friend to the doctor and then convinced her to go back on medication. It’s the first step.

I wish I could get involved more and help more people struggling with this vile disease. I certainly have to take care of myself first, to get back my strength, to find balance again.

I hope you are all doing well! Big hugs!

My mind is a box of frogs

My mind is a box of frogs

They leap, and dance, and sing

They chat, they laugh, they fight.

I do like frogs, they’re tiny little creatures,

But not inside my head,

Not making all this noise.

It’s like a song going on on repeat until you hate it

It’s like a never ending circus melody,

It’s fun and games until it’s anger and venom

It’s fun and games until it’s sweat and fear

It’s oh, so nice when it begins,

When the frogs are still friends with each other,

When the crocodiles are still away,

When the water in the pond is still clear,

But no matter how good is the party,

The pond will get too small, the frogs too loud,

And the crocodiles will come.

Torn

TRIGGER WARNING: SELF HARM, SUICIDAL THOUGHTS AND IDEATION

I am mixed. I am feeling like my brain and all these racing thoughts are not in sync with my body. My mental and physical health are both in shambles and university hasn’t started yet.

I won’t lie to you, I am afraid. I am anxious because my final year is going to be a stressful year. There’s no way in which I can sugarcoat it. It will be stressful. At the moment, the stress I’ve been exposed to was moving to a new house and new country. It would be a bit overwhelming for anybody, but especially so for a bipolar fighter.

Is it fair? It isn’t. I hate mixed episodes, I hate them with all of my being. I hate the urges to self harm only to feel something real. For me, self harming works like an anchor. When my mind is not in sync with my body, pain is something I can feel, pain is there and it’s real. The cuts are there and they are real, the bruises are there and, again, they are real.

The good thing is that I haven’t given in to these urges. My alternative is drawing on my skin with a red Sharpie marker. I do it to trick my brain into thinking that the process of anchoring has been completed. And it works for me.

Another thing that is totally unbearable when it comes to mixed episodes is having racing thoughts, and racing dark thoughts. You are exhausted, but you have the energy to harm yourself. You are exhausted, but you can be impulsive and overdose on a whim. There is no rhyme and no reason, there are only the impulses, the racing thoughts, the despair.

It’s the most dangerous state for a bipolar, and I am there again. My appointment today was cancelled because the GP had an emergency. I am supposed to see the doctor tomorrow morning.

Please keep your fingers crossed for me. I hope to be able to go through the night, make it for my appointment in the morning, getting my medication adjusted (again), and getting the help I need. I am in a dark place. I need all the light I can gather!

 

I am back (I hope)

I’ve been quiet for a while. I’ve spent my time trying to get back on track with my university work and riding the waves of high and low energy. I am writing this post right after my appointment with my pdoc. I am going to start a mood stabilizer. I was really reluctant to the idea of taking new medication on top my antidepressants because I thought I can control my moods really well…until I couldn’t.

Hypomania is so great, so seducing. Until it gets messy. Until everything is too much. Until you can’t really distinguish the anxiety from the other racing thoughts. It gets too much, way too much sometimes, putting a lot of pressure on one’s body. And even so, this is not my biggest problem.

Mixed episodes and depression are my big problems. Feeling like I am being pulled in different directions, like my body and mind are not synchronized. Becoming totally lost after a while, not functioning.

I am hoping for the best! or better…or at least a bit better.

It’s been a while

Since I last had the “patience” and mood to write something. I actually don’t have it right now. I am still in this mixed state, but I am trying hard to keep myself functioning. I am re-learning how to be kind to myself. It is really hard on days like these, when the main feeling is exhaustion and existential despair.

I am hopeful, though. I feel like I am able to cut through all the layers of lethargy and self-loathing. It’s not easy…but I do have a really sharp sword. I am meaner than my demons.