Life is cruel, but beautiful

I forgot when was the last time I posted, but a lot has happened since then. I lost my job, I got out of an emotionally abusive relationship, I lost people and support, I found people and support…

It’s a lot. I am still struggling. I still need time, so much time. To recover, to live again, to love, to enjoy life, as cruel as it is, as beautiful as it is.

As a final year student, my university work has been piling up and I needed to apply for accommodations in order to be able to submit my work and projects. I am trying my best and it seems that I am getting there. The timing is awful, but this had to happen and it would have happened sooner or later. There’s no point crying about it. I am going to learn from this.

There is light in the dark. You can’t be strong if life only treated you well. You don’t know who your friends are until you are going through war. I am growing from the mud like a lotus flower.

 

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Mania…the bad type

My mind is restless. My blood pressure is high. It feels like electricity is running through my veins. My hear beats faster than ever. My head is burning. I want to work, learn, chat, dance…and even so, I am so tired. Such a contrast, two different forces in contradiction, coexisting. Ying and Yang…

How am I managing? I have no clue. I am worried about the crash. My therapist said something that quite eye-opening: “how bad do your symptoms have to get in order for you to seek help?”

The truth is, I am high functioning and I like it. 2 jobs, full time education, and bipolar. My plate is full. I don’t know when to stop and ask for help. I am trying my best to make sense of all that’s happening around me. I am tired…and manic.

Patience?

I am worried, disappointed, busy. I am agitated and tired. I am living in a continuous mixed state…

I’ve been told by my GP that it might take more than 6 months to be seen by a specialist. I don’t know what to do. I am thinking about private insurance, but I don’t know if they cover for my condition and these types of appointments.

I am drowning in school work and I can still stay afloat somehow. I just need a bit of rest, a bit of rest I can’t afford…

Recovery

I am recovering…or am I?

Okay. Let me put you in theme with what happened in my life in quite recently. I had a seizure. Yes…a seizure. Epileptic kind of seizure, but I am not diagnosed with epilepsy. Think about collapsing, convulsions, not being able to control my body afterwards.

Sensory overload was the trigger. Light, sounds, smells were way too intense and disturbing. Especially light. I couldn’t open my eyes properly sometimes. Some other times, even with my eyes closed, it seemed like my eyelids weren’t able to protect me from light…

Ambulance, hospital…waiting for an appointment in a specialised clinic. Until then, I need rest. School work is piling up, called in sick at work but will have to return this Friday. I am overwhelmed and I think that I am being in a mixed episode again.

Anger issues. I started crying in the studio and had to run to the restroom where I cried for 1 hour…Back in the studio I couldn’t contain my tears. I am frustrated. I am frustrated that I can’t do the work I have to do, I am frustrated because people are irresponsible and lazy, I am frustrated because I tend to take responsibility and then everybody tends to step back.

When you are high functioning, you can’t properly rest. The world is burning all around me…

Taking a break

I am home. It was so difficult to leave the bed. I had an interview I should have attended today, but it was impossible. I am in front of my laptop, and as I am typing this I am feeling like my life is just drained out of my body. My soul is heavy, and if life and energy would be liquid, they’d be on the floor, in a puddle, all around me.

My depression started last Friday. I know that usually, for me, the first week of depression is the worst. Even so, I kept pushing myself. I was present, involved, worked on my projects, met people, organised events, went to the gym. High functioning…

If I would compare my depressive mood with having a broken ankle, the situation would be like this : I got a broken ankle. It hurts and I shouldn’t force it. In order for it to heal, I need to rest my leg and don’t walk around as I would normally do. I have to do it, though, so I am walking around forcing that broken ankle. It hurts so much but I can’t stop. I have to function…

That’s what I did. I kept going despite all of this despair and hurt I am feeling inside. I am taking a break now. One day when I don’t have to limp around on my broken ankle. One day, and hope for the upcoming days…

Frustration

I am not stable. I know that I am not stable because my mood swings every couple of hours. I was convinced that I am hypomanic, or that a hypomanic episode is about to start, but it seems that I’m really mixed.

Some recent events exacerbated these emotions and moods. My housemate, who also has bipolar, had a crisis two days ago. I called the emergency services for her, took care of her as much as I could (I was really agitated and truly hypomanic that day). She then ended up waiting for 5 hours in the emergency room…

The system is a mess, besides the support I have from university, I don’t feel like I am being supported at all. I am still on the waiting list for seeing a specialist.

I can say though, that today I had a small victory. I accompanied my friend to the doctor and then convinced her to go back on medication. It’s the first step.

I wish I could get involved more and help more people struggling with this vile disease. I certainly have to take care of myself first, to get back my strength, to find balance again.

I hope you are all doing well! Big hugs!

My mind is a box of frogs

My mind is a box of frogs

They leap, and dance, and sing

They chat, they laugh, they fight.

I do like frogs, they’re tiny little creatures,

But not inside my head,

Not making all this noise.

It’s like a song going on on repeat until you hate it

It’s like a never ending circus melody,

It’s fun and games until it’s anger and venom

It’s fun and games until it’s sweat and fear

It’s oh, so nice when it begins,

When the frogs are still friends with each other,

When the crocodiles are still away,

When the water in the pond is still clear,

But no matter how good is the party,

The pond will get too small, the frogs too loud,

And the crocodiles will come.

Torn

TRIGGER WARNING: SELF HARM, SUICIDAL THOUGHTS AND IDEATION

I am mixed. I am feeling like my brain and all these racing thoughts are not in sync with my body. My mental and physical health are both in shambles and university hasn’t started yet.

I won’t lie to you, I am afraid. I am anxious because my final year is going to be a stressful year. There’s no way in which I can sugarcoat it. It will be stressful. At the moment, the stress I’ve been exposed to was moving to a new house and new country. It would be a bit overwhelming for anybody, but especially so for a bipolar fighter.

Is it fair? It isn’t. I hate mixed episodes, I hate them with all of my being. I hate the urges to self harm only to feel something real. For me, self harming works like an anchor. When my mind is not in sync with my body, pain is something I can feel, pain is there and it’s real. The cuts are there and they are real, the bruises are there and, again, they are real.

The good thing is that I haven’t given in to these urges. My alternative is drawing on my skin with a red Sharpie marker. I do it to trick my brain into thinking that the process of anchoring has been completed. And it works for me.

Another thing that is totally unbearable when it comes to mixed episodes is having racing thoughts, and racing dark thoughts. You are exhausted, but you have the energy to harm yourself. You are exhausted, but you can be impulsive and overdose on a whim. There is no rhyme and no reason, there are only the impulses, the racing thoughts, the despair.

It’s the most dangerous state for a bipolar, and I am there again. My appointment today was cancelled because the GP had an emergency. I am supposed to see the doctor tomorrow morning.

Please keep your fingers crossed for me. I hope to be able to go through the night, make it for my appointment in the morning, getting my medication adjusted (again), and getting the help I need. I am in a dark place. I need all the light I can gather!

 

How do I manage?

I had a bad night last night. At least this time I know the triggers. To put you in theme, I am an architecture student, in my final year of study, I need a job, and I have bipolar disorder.

Yesterday I received my timetable for this academic year and as soon as I’ve seen that I am only going to have 2 days off my legs turned to jelly. How am I supposed to keep this strict routine I need in order to function? How am I supposed to combine work and study? How am I supposed to keep my balance on such a thin wire?

The good thing is that I have the mental health support team who can help me when it comes to deferrals and accommodations, even so, being given how unpredictable this illness can be, nobody can guarantee how I am going to feel tomorrow or in a couple of weeks. Am I going to have more depressive episodes? Am I at risk of going into full blown mania because of stress and pressure? Only time will tell.

Oh well, oh well, I am still hoping for the best!