The problem with art

Long time, no post. I guess I’ve been caught in a web of life events, changes, and of course, bipolar swinging moods.

Today I want to reply to a question: why is my blog name ‘theproblemwithart’? Well, I am a creative person, but at the same time I am very practical and love research. To give you an idea about this, before I decided to follow the creative path, I prepared myself for medical school. I think that I would have done a good job in the field because I am blessed with a great capacity of retaining information and a hunger for research and finding solutions. I am now studying a challenging discipline and I love it,even if I had to take a semester off so I can concentrate on my mental health. I guess I kind of got sidetracked from the conversation, please excuse me, this is how my mind works these days.

So, the problem with being a creative person, or at least how I experience it, is that the capacity to create, the ideas, the productivity, they all fluctuate. When I am down I have brain fog and holding a pencil or a paintbrush is almost impossible. Some people thingk that depression can fuel your art, but it’s not the case with me. Holding a pencil or a paintbrush is almost impossible in the conditions when moving one’s body is almost impossible. When I am experiencing my highs, I have so many ideas and my creative energy is at its highest, but I can’t finish any of my projects because the thoughts and ideas are so fast and make me jump from an idead to the next and so on…So, usually, I end up with drawings, renders, and sketches that somehow contain the essence of what I wanted to express, but not being able to complete one piece of work is frustrating and sometimes makes me angry to the point I want to destroy everything I created.

So…this is the problem with art. At least with my art.

PS: I uploaded my first selection of sketches online today. I am excited, yet anxious.

PPS: I am really thinking to put a name on this blog and my story. I am thinking to disclose my identity and help advocating for the people struggling. I am afraid that I am going to be a victim of the stigma, though. Is this going to affect me in getting a job? Are people going to stalk me? I am maybe too worried, but I have to ask these questions before making the decision. What do you think? What is your experience?

 

The soul of the party…or not at the party

I haven’t been here for a while. In fact, I’ve been here reading your posts, but I did not feel like writing. I guess “riding the tiger” took all of my energy. I am constantly trying to find the “in between”, balance. The funny thing is, when I do find it (it doesn’t happen very often) I am not happy with it. I am intense. I will always be intense. Lack of intensity is terrifying me.

I guess I will continue to be the life and soul of the party and then disappear for a while. My friends will understand, I hope they will.

In other news, I am thinking to open an Etsy store and sell my paintings. I am also thinking to donate some of the money to research regarding mental disorders or different non profit organisations. And then this question comes to mind: “Is what I do good enough? Would anybody buy it?” I guess this is a common trait in creative people, always second guessing and judging their own work, being their harshest critic.

I hope to find my courage and just do it. I will leave here a detail of an untitled painting, acrylic on canvass. I think it suits my actual mood. Blue, green and “in between”. DSC_0284-edit-blog

Inspired

What inspires you? For me, visiting new places, especially art museums and art galleries, coffee places, bookstores, historical buildings, forests, fields, lakes…I got a bit carried away here, excuse moi!

Today I visited a fantastic museum dedicated to the work of people with mental disorders. It was a great experience. As an art lover, creative individual and also having a mental disorder, the place was on my list for a long time. Today I felt well enough and capable enough to travel there. I enjoyed every bit of work. I found it special because it spoke to me on so many levels. I could absorb the energy, expression and passion in each one of the pieces.

If you find yourselves in Germany, maybe put this little museum on your list. I think you will enjoy.

When I see art, I want to make art. I used some of my digital sketches as well as one ink drawing I enjoyed so much creating. I put them together in this little piece I call “Complicated Mind”. All rights reserved, all wrongs reserved.

Let me know what you think 🙂

complicated-mind-pnweb

Where is the Art?

I have been asked many times why my blog URL is “theproblemwithart”, but I never post any of my drawings, doodles, paintings or creative work here. It’s a good question. I created the blog when I was in a deep, debilitating depressive mood, as a coping mechanism, as an outlet for my racing thoughts, gloomy thoughts, things that speak to me. It got in  the direction of a blog that is about my experiences with mental illness while being a creative individual.

Under those circumstances, with depression eating at me, my creativity had to suffer. This, and the thought of my work not being good enough, made it impossible for me to post anything here.

As you might know, I have Bipolar type 2. It happens that right now I am in what I call it my “up cycle” and I can be creative. In fact, I have a lot of energy and ideas. Fortunately, the medication helps me not to get too high and makes it a bit easier to concentrate. I am not going into details about how I experience hypomania. Maybe I will in the future, when I will dedicate a post to it.

This is about me and what I do. I call it “my work”, but this too, is a coping mechanism. Expression is liberating. It soothes my soul when I am depressed, it makes my heart smile when I am happy. This is a big step for me. I am going to face my fears and post one of my paintings here.

I find this painting appropriate for my mood right now. Vibrant, warm, energetic, bold. I call it “Fire”. It’s a small, 20x20cm (8×8 inch) acrylics on canvas. All rights reserved, all wrongs reserved, you know.

I would like to hear your thoughts, feelings, interpretations of this painting. How does it make you feel? What does it say to you?de-pus-pe-blog-fire--retouched