Decisions

Let’s imagine the following scenario: you are a twenty something years old student, in your final year, 3 months away from graduation. The field of study is challenging, but you love it. It seems that you have it all going on, that your world is perfect. You are involved, you are the advocate, you stand up for yourself and others. You are a problem solver. On top of this, there’s almost one year since you got your diagnosis of Bipolar Disorder. You managed. You relapsed, you were close to being hospitalised, you kept going.

And now, you are going through hell again. Medication stopped doing much and you lost your balance. You are pushing yourself every single day, you put the smiley face badge on your coat, and you carry your materials and books to campus. People tell you “you look tired”, and you tell them that you pulled an all nighter. It’s not too much of a lie, you did, only it wasn’t because you studied, but because you couldn’t stop the thoughts from spinning inside your head.

You are feeling like you are not capable of completing your academic work. You are sleep walking through your day and spend your nights awake, tormented by negative thoughts.

“You have it all, there’s so little left, why can’t you do it? loser, you are a loser, a coward. How can other people do it? You are going to disappoint everybody. Your dad doesn’t want to talk to you anyway…he knows how much of a disappointment you are. ”

And you have to decide, do you keep pushing even if you are feeling so faint, or do you take time to rest? Why is this so difficult, you ask? Well, after a life of doing what is best for others, it’s hard to see what it’s better for yourself. In fact, you see it, but you choose to do what’s best for others…why?

Transition

What is life if not a magical combination of choice and uncertainty? So many things happened in my life recently. Tears, laughter, mania, depression, love, disappointment, tough choices. I am going in the right direction and that means going through a transitional period. Transition hurts. I am still hopeful and clawing my way up these tall walls life has put around me.

Finding hope

I need to somehow drag myself out of this deep hole. I just have to remember that “recovery is not only possible, but inevitable”.

This woman inspires me:

Dark days

Everything is a blur. I am struggling…I have words playing on and on in my head “medication increase will be needed…you can’t drive…we still consider epilepsy as a cause…MRI…PNES…”

I am barely functioning these days. I am crying a lot. Depression hit me full force after the mania I had 1 or 2 weeks ago. I am not good with time. Time is relative, especially so for those who have bipolar disorder. I just harness all the force I have and keep dragging myself around no matter what…I can’t fall to bed. I need to stand vertical. I will stand vertical!!!

Depression makes me clumsy

Depression makes me clumsy and slow. It gives migraines and permanently teary eyes. Movement seems alien today. I am not able to hold a cup without spilling the contents. My hands are shaky, my vision is blurry, I can’t concentrate.

I want to stay in bed all day but I can’t afford it. I have so much to do. I usually don’t work weekends but leaving all I have to do for Monday it’s going to make me feel overwhelmed. I am going to tackle a couple of things, something is better than nothing.

Do you get brain fog? Because I do…the thing I hate the most is that I can’t read. I have to go over a paragraph over and over again. Books were my escape. I love to read. Depression is taking this joy from me. It traps me, leaving no way out…

This too shall pass…but when?

Taking a break

I am home. It was so difficult to leave the bed. I had an interview I should have attended today, but it was impossible. I am in front of my laptop, and as I am typing this I am feeling like my life is just drained out of my body. My soul is heavy, and if life and energy would be liquid, they’d be on the floor, in a puddle, all around me.

My depression started last Friday. I know that usually, for me, the first week of depression is the worst. Even so, I kept pushing myself. I was present, involved, worked on my projects, met people, organised events, went to the gym. High functioning…

If I would compare my depressive mood with having a broken ankle, the situation would be like this : I got a broken ankle. It hurts and I shouldn’t force it. In order for it to heal, I need to rest my leg and don’t walk around as I would normally do. I have to do it, though, so I am walking around forcing that broken ankle. It hurts so much but I can’t stop. I have to function…

That’s what I did. I kept going despite all of this despair and hurt I am feeling inside. I am taking a break now. One day when I don’t have to limp around on my broken ankle. One day, and hope for the upcoming days…

Waiting for the Crisis Team

It’s the weekend. A Saturday, to be precise. I know that you know, but I sometimes have trouble remembering dates, days, etc. I am probably depressed, but I don’t know for sure. I might still be mixed. Isn’t bipolar disorder so fun? (NOT)

Been referred to The Crisis Team by my GP. This happened on Monday this week, while I was tapping with my fingers on my doctor’s desk, swinging my legs back and forth, and feeling like I am burning with rage. They said they’ll see me this afternoon, just to review my medication and offer me support until I actually get to see a psychiatrist here.

It’s 4 PM and I feel like sleeping for a long, long time…I do hope they’ll come to see me, I still hope they’ll come.

My mind is a box of frogs

My mind is a box of frogs

They leap, and dance, and sing

They chat, they laugh, they fight.

I do like frogs, they’re tiny little creatures,

But not inside my head,

Not making all this noise.

It’s like a song going on on repeat until you hate it

It’s like a never ending circus melody,

It’s fun and games until it’s anger and venom

It’s fun and games until it’s sweat and fear

It’s oh, so nice when it begins,

When the frogs are still friends with each other,

When the crocodiles are still away,

When the water in the pond is still clear,

But no matter how good is the party,

The pond will get too small, the frogs too loud,

And the crocodiles will come.

How do I manage?

I had a bad night last night. At least this time I know the triggers. To put you in theme, I am an architecture student, in my final year of study, I need a job, and I have bipolar disorder.

Yesterday I received my timetable for this academic year and as soon as I’ve seen that I am only going to have 2 days off my legs turned to jelly. How am I supposed to keep this strict routine I need in order to function? How am I supposed to combine work and study? How am I supposed to keep my balance on such a thin wire?

The good thing is that I have the mental health support team who can help me when it comes to deferrals and accommodations, even so, being given how unpredictable this illness can be, nobody can guarantee how I am going to feel tomorrow or in a couple of weeks. Am I going to have more depressive episodes? Am I at risk of going into full blown mania because of stress and pressure? Only time will tell.

Oh well, oh well, I am still hoping for the best!

 

After a long break

I am back? I am never sure. My lack of activity on this blog means only one thing: depressive cycle, low cycle. As time goes by, I am becoming more aware and accepting of my Bipolar type 2 diagnosis.

This post is going to be boring. I’ve been struggling with medication, I had a scare about a possible Lamictal rash, I gained 4 kg and then lost them in less than 2 weeks. Continuous roller coaster. I am overwhelmed, I am trying to be mindful and live in the moment. I am getting there!

I hope all of you are doing well!