Stop romanticising being busy

My state is not improving I’m afraid. Horrible nightmares haunting me, not being able to sleep without sleeping medication, feeling worthless and borderline suicidal. All in one night…

I hate cancelling plans. I hate not going to work, university, not getting involved. I hate that I have to take days off in order to recover. I can’t accept it when I am not high functioning. It makes me feel weak. It lets my illness come to the surface. That strong persona, the curious, energetic one, is not there anymore. I am home, drained of all my energy…still working. I’m in pain, physically and mentally in pain.

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Mania…the bad type

My mind is restless. My blood pressure is high. It feels like electricity is running through my veins. My hear beats faster than ever. My head is burning. I want to work, learn, chat, dance…and even so, I am so tired. Such a contrast, two different forces in contradiction, coexisting. Ying and Yang…

How am I managing? I have no clue. I am worried about the crash. My therapist said something that quite eye-opening: “how bad do your symptoms have to get in order for you to seek help?”

The truth is, I am high functioning and I like it. 2 jobs, full time education, and bipolar. My plate is full. I don’t know when to stop and ask for help. I am trying my best to make sense of all that’s happening around me. I am tired…and manic.

Emotional

I am and I will always be a person who feels so deeply. Tough cookie with a melting core. Because every day is a different journey, a wild roller-coaster ride, I often experience a huge range of emotions. And guess what? I can’t control it. I would like to reduce the intensity of the emotions. I feel emotions in a physical way. It’s like I wouldn’t have a skin, no way of filtering the different emotions…they are all important, they all come at the same intensity.

I will never be anything but intense…that’s it.

Patience?

I am worried, disappointed, busy. I am agitated and tired. I am living in a continuous mixed state…

I’ve been told by my GP that it might take more than 6 months to be seen by a specialist. I don’t know what to do. I am thinking about private insurance, but I don’t know if they cover for my condition and these types of appointments.

I am drowning in school work and I can still stay afloat somehow. I just need a bit of rest, a bit of rest I can’t afford…