Recovery

I am recovering…or am I?

Okay. Let me put you in theme with what happened in my life in quite recently. I had a seizure. Yes…a seizure. Epileptic kind of seizure, but I am not diagnosed with epilepsy. Think about collapsing, convulsions, not being able to control my body afterwards.

Sensory overload was the trigger. Light, sounds, smells were way too intense and disturbing. Especially light. I couldn’t open my eyes properly sometimes. Some other times, even with my eyes closed, it seemed like my eyelids weren’t able to protect me from light…

Ambulance, hospital…waiting for an appointment in a specialised clinic. Until then, I need rest. School work is piling up, called in sick at work but will have to return this Friday. I am overwhelmed and I think that I am being in a mixed episode again.

Anger issues. I started crying in the studio and had to run to the restroom where I cried for 1 hour…Back in the studio I couldn’t contain my tears. I am frustrated. I am frustrated that I can’t do the work I have to do, I am frustrated because people are irresponsible and lazy, I am frustrated because I tend to take responsibility and then everybody tends to step back.

When you are high functioning, you can’t properly rest. The world is burning all around me…

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Depression makes me clumsy

Depression makes me clumsy and slow. It gives migraines and permanently teary eyes. Movement seems alien today. I am not able to hold a cup without spilling the contents. My hands are shaky, my vision is blurry, I can’t concentrate.

I want to stay in bed all day but I can’t afford it. I have so much to do. I usually don’t work weekends but leaving all I have to do for Monday it’s going to make me feel overwhelmed. I am going to tackle a couple of things, something is better than nothing.

Do you get brain fog? Because I do…the thing I hate the most is that I can’t read. I have to go over a paragraph over and over again. Books were my escape. I love to read. Depression is taking this joy from me. It traps me, leaving no way out…

This too shall pass…but when?

Taking a break

I am home. It was so difficult to leave the bed. I had an interview I should have attended today, but it was impossible. I am in front of my laptop, and as I am typing this I am feeling like my life is just drained out of my body. My soul is heavy, and if life and energy would be liquid, they’d be on the floor, in a puddle, all around me.

My depression started last Friday. I know that usually, for me, the first week of depression is the worst. Even so, I kept pushing myself. I was present, involved, worked on my projects, met people, organised events, went to the gym. High functioning…

If I would compare my depressive mood with having a broken ankle, the situation would be like this : I got a broken ankle. It hurts and I shouldn’t force it. In order for it to heal, I need to rest my leg and don’t walk around as I would normally do. I have to do it, though, so I am walking around forcing that broken ankle. It hurts so much but I can’t stop. I have to function…

That’s what I did. I kept going despite all of this despair and hurt I am feeling inside. I am taking a break now. One day when I don’t have to limp around on my broken ankle. One day, and hope for the upcoming days…

Waiting for the Crisis Team

It’s the weekend. A Saturday, to be precise. I know that you know, but I sometimes have trouble remembering dates, days, etc. I am probably depressed, but I don’t know for sure. I might still be mixed. Isn’t bipolar disorder so fun? (NOT)

Been referred to The Crisis Team by my GP. This happened on Monday this week, while I was tapping with my fingers on my doctor’s desk, swinging my legs back and forth, and feeling like I am burning with rage. They said they’ll see me this afternoon, just to review my medication and offer me support until I actually get to see a psychiatrist here.

It’s 4 PM and I feel like sleeping for a long, long time…I do hope they’ll come to see me, I still hope they’ll come.

Frustration

I am not stable. I know that I am not stable because my mood swings every couple of hours. I was convinced that I am hypomanic, or that a hypomanic episode is about to start, but it seems that I’m really mixed.

Some recent events exacerbated these emotions and moods. My housemate, who also has bipolar, had a crisis two days ago. I called the emergency services for her, took care of her as much as I could (I was really agitated and truly hypomanic that day). She then ended up waiting for 5 hours in the emergency room…

The system is a mess, besides the support I have from university, I don’t feel like I am being supported at all. I am still on the waiting list for seeing a specialist.

I can say though, that today I had a small victory. I accompanied my friend to the doctor and then convinced her to go back on medication. It’s the first step.

I wish I could get involved more and help more people struggling with this vile disease. I certainly have to take care of myself first, to get back my strength, to find balance again.

I hope you are all doing well! Big hugs!