Early morning musings

It’s 5:20 AM. I know that I am becoming unwell. Sometimes I can just feel it. It’s making me angry. Because of this, I’m often thinking that my disorder is not real, that I am faking it. It’s turmoil. 

But enough about me. I am not worried about myself right now, I am more angry at the society we live in. A society where telling your employer about your problems can get you fired. A society where men are considered weak for crying. A society where we are told to keep our problems to ourselves, where talking about mental illness is still frowned upon. 

I am sick and tired of this, and i just want to tell you that you are worth it, beautiful, awesome, wonderful. Your mental illness is not making you weak. You deserve a medal. You are strong. I love you. I care about you. I am going to be by your side. I don’t want to see you checking out of this place. You are worth it. You deserve the best. You deserve happiness. I care. Because you and me are the same. Same stardust. This is a message for you…and it’s a message for me. 

I know that the following days are going to be tough. I know that I might need a bit more help than usual. I know all this. 

I accept it. I am a warrior and will always be one. And so are you!!

Frustration

I am not stable. I know that I am not stable because my mood swings every couple of hours. I was convinced that I am hypomanic, or that a hypomanic episode is about to start, but it seems that I’m really mixed.

Some recent events exacerbated these emotions and moods. My housemate, who also has bipolar, had a crisis two days ago. I called the emergency services for her, took care of her as much as I could (I was really agitated and truly hypomanic that day). She then ended up waiting for 5 hours in the emergency room…

The system is a mess, besides the support I have from university, I don’t feel like I am being supported at all. I am still on the waiting list for seeing a specialist.

I can say though, that today I had a small victory. I accompanied my friend to the doctor and then convinced her to go back on medication. It’s the first step.

I wish I could get involved more and help more people struggling with this vile disease. I certainly have to take care of myself first, to get back my strength, to find balance again.

I hope you are all doing well! Big hugs!

Coming out of the closet

I did it. I wrote about my fight with bipolar disorder and my experience on my social media. The kindness of people overwhelmed the few mean and ignorant messages. I’ve been feeling lighter and free ever since.

I am back in my depressive mood, but it’s not so bad. The dark thoughts are not here. They left me since I started the mood stabilizer medication. I am grateful for that.

I can see the light at the end of the tunnel. Thank you, for keeping me going!

Conversations

How powerful a conversation can be! How much it can change your perspective and offer you a way out of your self absorbed vision.

Connection and communication are so powerful and meaningful things we have in our lives and sometimes we take for granted. This is what saves me on some days: a meaningful and raw conversation with another soul. Knocking down walls, caring, being vulnerable. Putting my armor away, being free of that crushing weight I carry every day when presenting myself to the world, is one of the best feelings.

There will always be someone special  out there, who can listen, who can help, who can understand. Don’t give up!

Being strong for others

When depression is here, her main and most important “gift” is a pair of grey tinted glasses that make me unable to see the good things around me, especially the good things about myself. I am doing my best not to become cranky, angry and to protect the ones I love from my colourless and mean little self.

Feeling as deeply as I do is both a blessing and a curse. On one hand, caring too much for others and leaving myself behind was one of the main triggers of my depression. On the other hand, caring so deeply is the thing that saves me.

Being there for others can make me or break me, but I am willing to take this risk. There have been situations when I managed to put all this storm of thoughts behind and do my best to help a friend. I want to carry on this way…it’s a step in the process of finding that perfect balance between being soft and strong.

Shout out

To all of you, beautiful people from near and far! I want to remind you how strong you are. You are not a burden, you are not broken beyond repair, you are not what your darkest thoughts are telling you.

You are pretty darn awesome! You are the hero of your own story, even if sometimes it seems that you get tangled in your own webs.

Let your light shine! You are beautiful :).

Support

I woke up thinking about this. About having support but not feeling it, being numb to it and sometimes finding it annoying when people cross a certain imaginary boundary I created. I am sensitive when people bring up my mistakes and I become grumpy. I know that friends aren’t supposed to point out only the nice things and ignore the bad ones. I know this very well and I am grateful to have somebody who can watch the situation in an objective way and see the bigger picture.

It’s hard to let somebody know about what’s going on inside your head. I am still questioning if maybe I shouldn’t have let my guard down so soon. This eternal struggle of questioning and overanalyzing is draining all my energy.

I guess I need somebody to hold me for a couple of minutes without saying a thing. I don’t need to be understood. I don’t need advice. I don’t want to be reminded about why I am where I am at the moment. Let me be and let me grow. This is my idea of support at the moment. You can call me selfish if you want. It doesn’t really matter.