I think this is the best description I can give for what I felt these last 2 days. It happened to me to feel so horribly depressed and elated at the same time. It is hard to imagine how one person can feel like that, but it is possible. It is exhausting, confusing, overwhelming and terrifying.
At the moment I am feeling like I can write 1000 words per minute, but am I going to feel the same in 10 minutes? I don’t know. It’s hard to ride these abrupt swings. I am living in a continuous tension, uncertain what the next moment is going to bring.
Okay readers, let me entertain you with my latest adventures. Yesterday I was so completely lethargic and drained. I thought I am going to keep the sleeping routine I have acquired in the last 5 days, which consisted of up to 14 h of sleep per nigh. I didn’t. I was awake almost all night and woke up at stupid o’clock. Back on the roller coaster?
“Things get worse before they get better”, so they say. But for how many times? Why am I here again when all I have been doing was working on getting better?
In moments like these it is so easy to give up. Throw medication away. Therapy? Was that really helping since I am here again? My coping strategies? Are they valid? But I won’t give up.
Moments like these make me understand and have more empathy for the ones who do give up. This continuous struggle is painful. The night seems darker than ever. On top of that, your struggle is invisible. No rash, no fever, nothing on the outside but maybe those tired eyes and broken smile.
“But you were better!”, “Oh…again?”, “Keep positive”…people mean well. I’ve been on the other side, too. The feeling of helplessness the ones who care about you are feeling is tearing them apart.
I’m still trying to figure out how to receive support. Any kind. How do I act when my loved ones are trying to offer me support, but they are not actually educated enough about what I am going through? And what exactly am I going through? I am more confused than ever. There’s no label on it. For a long time I thought that it’s major depressive disorder and anxiety, but now I am not sure anymore…my moods are crazy, this depression comes after what looks very much like a hypomanic episode.
I am trying hard. I’ve been doing my best and I’m going to continue to do my best. It’s just hard with this 1000 tons weight crushing me…
I was thinking about this. Maybe we are not superheroes, but we could be heroes. And we have these great powers, but we also have our flaws. We are imperfectly perfect human beings.
There are things out there who can completely throw us off balance, trigger us, make us build high walls, isolate, become bitter.
What’s your kryptonite?
It was so wonderful being in heaven for a couple of days. The energy, happiness, optimism. I was so productive and the future seemed so bright. I actually thought that my depression is gone and I felt like being born again, so full of life, love, magic.
And then, after 4 days, I was back to my depressed, lethargic self. I woke up like this. No warning. Waking up and feeling so heavy, feeling like it’s so hard to move. Doing everything at snail pace. Down, crying, not going to class, feeling inadequate and guilty.Looking back at the energetic me from a couple of days ago and wondering where that person has gone.
It’s like running up and down the stairs. One minute I am on top and I can run up and down so easily and so fast. The next moment I am at the bottom and I can barely crawl two steps. Exciting, isn’t it?
“Normality is a paved road: It’s comfortable to walk, but no flowers grow on it.” – Vincent van Gogh
Who defined normality? What is normality for you? I am looking for a baseline for my mood, I am looking for a baseline for my feelings. When am I normal?
A lot of questions, I know. I am at a stage in my life when I am considered an adult. When discussing about my feelings, moods, depression, and anxiety, some people tell me “it’s part of becoming an adult, part of growing up.” So, considering their opinions, there’s absolutely nothing wrong with me since everybody experiences things like these in life. Considering their argument, I am completely normal.
And then…when I do not fit in the “society box”, I am not normal anymore. I am a misfit, a special snowflake, a weirdo, I am ill and slow.
What if you, “normal” people are actually the anomalies?
Sometimes, even if you do your best, things start crumbling inside yourself and around you. What to do? Get angry at the sky? Get angry at life? Cry?
People are going to hurt you, abandon you, reject you, misunderstand you, give up on you. How can one soul take so many hits and survive? It can! Because no matter what, there will be at least one person who’s there for you. And if you’re feeling all alone and left behind, disconnected and forgotten, you have yourself. You always have yourself.
“At the end of the day, you gotta carry your own weight” and you know what? You can!
I am feeling trapped. Okay, maybe “trapped” is not the right word. It’s just that feeling when you want to live for yourself, focus on your well being, get out of the box that isn’t fit for you.
If expectations would be ropes, I would be completely and tightly tied. It feels exactly like this sometimes. How does one break free? I can’t change how other people think, I can only hope that they love me enough to support me in my journey. I hope that they understand me enough to see the efforts I make. It requires a leap of faith.
This means I can’t hide in my cozy nest anymore and have to go out and be an adult. It’s not like I would dislike it. I love learning. I like the study program overall, but I dislike the atmosphere in class. I am really an outsider and I am not sure that’s my fault. My classmates are not the most sociable people in the world and I am the new, international girl who doesn’t speak good German.
I am okay with it, I’m starting to like being in my own little world and working on my projects in peace. It’s a good way to spend some time with myself, make friends with myself, address myself in a kind, and loving way. It’s the space I need. Maybe this is the silver lining. Maybe it’s my chance to learn how to love my own presence and quirky thoughts.
Today’s special: readjusting to changes in medication. It’s always an adventure. I can say that I have experience when it comes to the process of “trial and error” so I know that a couple of “special” days will follow.
I need to focus on what the previous situations have taught me: don’t be passive and get out there, do your best to keep your routine, take good care of yourself.
These being said, this little zombie is prepared to go out and enjoy the sunshine!