Fast

Out of my depressive mood. Yay! Hypomania is here and it’s giving me a bit of a hard time, but there’s nothing compared with depression.

I am fast. I am full of energy. I am loud and outgoing. I can do so much (or so I think).

Song of the day : Sia – Unstoppable

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Zombie on cocaine

I think this is the best description I can give for what I felt these last 2 days. It happened to me to feel so horribly depressed and elated at the same time. It is hard to imagine how one person can feel like that, but it is possible. It is exhausting, confusing, overwhelming and terrifying.

At the moment I am feeling like I can write 1000 words per minute, but am I going to feel the same in 10 minutes? I don’t know. It’s hard to ride these abrupt swings. I am living in a continuous tension, uncertain what the next moment is going to bring.

 

Energy

First of all, I am scared. Second of all, I am confused even if I enjoy this energy boost so much. Let me update you on my last 3 days:

-Insomnia is back and my sleeping medication doesn’t help much.

-I had a total of 12 hours of rest (in 3 days)

-On Saturday I had such a good mood, I was so energetic and hyper.

-Yesterday depression hit me full force, a lot of crying and almost no moving

Today I’m up again. I’m feeling like a bunny. Is this my body telling me that I’m getting better or is this my body telling me that I a bit more messed up than I thought I was?

 

My mind is a hurricane

At the moment I do not know where I am from a psychological point of view. I am doing my best. I am keeping a routine. I am taking my medication.

My mother has seen me and her opinion was that I am doing great. I sometimes believe this too. I am well, depression is gone and I can function properly. Maybe I’ve never been depressed!

These are dangerous thoughts. I need to take a step back every time and reassess the situation. Am I really better being given that my insomnia is back? What about my mood swings? Why do they happen?

Am I that good at taming my dark thoughts? I’ve always recovered quite fast after a breakdown.

I’m living in the extremes. Intensity is what I am feeling right now, but in the evening I might feel empty. Maybe I am not patient enough. I am aware that I only started this higher dose of treatment 3 months ago. I am aware that I still need to do a lot in therapy even if we managed to go way underneath the surface from the first sessions…

It’s one of that times when insecurity seems to take over. Going to carry on!