Depression makes me clumsy

Depression makes me clumsy and slow. It gives migraines and permanently teary eyes. Movement seems alien today. I am not able to hold a cup without spilling the contents. My hands are shaky, my vision is blurry, I can’t concentrate.

I want to stay in bed all day but I can’t afford it. I have so much to do. I usually don’t work weekends but leaving all I have to do for Monday it’s going to make me feel overwhelmed. I am going to tackle a couple of things, something is better than nothing.

Do you get brain fog? Because I do…the thing I hate the most is that I can’t read. I have to go over a paragraph over and over again. Books were my escape. I love to read. Depression is taking this joy from me. It traps me, leaving no way out…

This too shall pass…but when?

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Taking a break

I am home. It was so difficult to leave the bed. I had an interview I should have attended today, but it was impossible. I am in front of my laptop, and as I am typing this I am feeling like my life is just drained out of my body. My soul is heavy, and if life and energy would be liquid, they’d be on the floor, in a puddle, all around me.

My depression started last Friday. I know that usually, for me, the first week of depression is the worst. Even so, I kept pushing myself. I was present, involved, worked on my projects, met people, organised events, went to the gym. High functioning…

If I would compare my depressive mood with having a broken ankle, the situation would be like this : I got a broken ankle. It hurts and I shouldn’t force it. In order for it to heal, I need to rest my leg and don’t walk around as I would normally do. I have to do it, though, so I am walking around forcing that broken ankle. It hurts so much but I can’t stop. I have to function…

That’s what I did. I kept going despite all of this despair and hurt I am feeling inside. I am taking a break now. One day when I don’t have to limp around on my broken ankle. One day, and hope for the upcoming days…

Torn

TRIGGER WARNING: SELF HARM, SUICIDAL THOUGHTS AND IDEATION

I am mixed. I am feeling like my brain and all these racing thoughts are not in sync with my body. My mental and physical health are both in shambles and university hasn’t started yet.

I won’t lie to you, I am afraid. I am anxious because my final year is going to be a stressful year. There’s no way in which I can sugarcoat it. It will be stressful. At the moment, the stress I’ve been exposed to was moving to a new house and new country. It would be a bit overwhelming for anybody, but especially so for a bipolar fighter.

Is it fair? It isn’t. I hate mixed episodes, I hate them with all of my being. I hate the urges to self harm only to feel something real. For me, self harming works like an anchor. When my mind is not in sync with my body, pain is something I can feel, pain is there and it’s real. The cuts are there and they are real, the bruises are there and, again, they are real.

The good thing is that I haven’t given in to these urges. My alternative is drawing on my skin with a red Sharpie marker. I do it to trick my brain into thinking that the process of anchoring has been completed. And it works for me.

Another thing that is totally unbearable when it comes to mixed episodes is having racing thoughts, and racing dark thoughts. You are exhausted, but you have the energy to harm yourself. You are exhausted, but you can be impulsive and overdose on a whim. There is no rhyme and no reason, there are only the impulses, the racing thoughts, the despair.

It’s the most dangerous state for a bipolar, and I am there again. My appointment today was cancelled because the GP had an emergency. I am supposed to see the doctor tomorrow morning.

Please keep your fingers crossed for me. I hope to be able to go through the night, make it for my appointment in the morning, getting my medication adjusted (again), and getting the help I need. I am in a dark place. I need all the light I can gather!

 

How do I manage?

I had a bad night last night. At least this time I know the triggers. To put you in theme, I am an architecture student, in my final year of study, I need a job, and I have bipolar disorder.

Yesterday I received my timetable for this academic year and as soon as I’ve seen that I am only going to have 2 days off my legs turned to jelly. How am I supposed to keep this strict routine I need in order to function? How am I supposed to combine work and study? How am I supposed to keep my balance on such a thin wire?

The good thing is that I have the mental health support team who can help me when it comes to deferrals and accommodations, even so, being given how unpredictable this illness can be, nobody can guarantee how I am going to feel tomorrow or in a couple of weeks. Am I going to have more depressive episodes? Am I at risk of going into full blown mania because of stress and pressure? Only time will tell.

Oh well, oh well, I am still hoping for the best!

 

After a long break

I am back? I am never sure. My lack of activity on this blog means only one thing: depressive cycle, low cycle. As time goes by, I am becoming more aware and accepting of my Bipolar type 2 diagnosis.

This post is going to be boring. I’ve been struggling with medication, I had a scare about a possible Lamictal rash, I gained 4 kg and then lost them in less than 2 weeks. Continuous roller coaster. I am overwhelmed, I am trying to be mindful and live in the moment. I am getting there!

I hope all of you are doing well!

Overwhelmed?

It’s been a while, again. I wish I could have kept my schedule and post more often. I guess it’s okay like this too.

So, I am in my home country currently and I am trying to relax and breathe. I am focusing on getting better, eating better, sleeping better. At least this is the goal. Of course, I have to get outside, visit friends and relatives, and adapt to how things are working here once again.

Something is not quite right. Maybe it has to do with the rushed way of life we have, Maybe it has to do with the people being fed up with their miserable wages, or maybe it has to do with a lack of empathy everywhere.

Are you able to “feel” your environment? Because I can. I can and it’s making me irritable and agitated. It drains me. I’m not okay with staying inside and isolating myself, but I think that I need to take my time. It’s for the best. Let me give you an example of what one can experience while walking the city streets: sad and angry people, people rushing, honking cars, frustrated drivers, no space to walk normally, to enjoy, to unwind. Maybe I am too picky. Maybe I am complaining, but all this is crushing me slowly. That’s why I prefer retreating here, near the forest, in this modest, small house. I hope I can fully charge my batteries until I have to go and finish my last year of study…

How have you been?

BD and BPD

When was the last time I posted? Too long ago. My life got crazy busy. I am back home for one month before I have to return to studies and give my best. It’s my final year.

Health-wise, it’s been a bumpy ride. Mixed episodes and…something that is called “splitting” and is one of the Borderline Personality Disorder traits. Long story short, I lost friends. I’ve been mean, angry, finding every flaw. I was scared that I am going to be abandoned so I pushed them away, to spare some of the hurt.

I have so many questions about these two disorders. Is Borderline just another form of Bipolar? How do I recognize when my Borderline is showing up, because the irritability and lack of consideration for others can appear during hypomania as well. These comorbid disorders are confusing, draining, and making my head spin.

I read my medical file from my pdoc. There is no clear mention of Bipolar or Borderline. I’ve been told that doctors don’t mention it because they think it’s for the good of the patient. The terms he used to describe my history clearly show that I am struggling with this, though.No labels, just the indications, so my next doctor will be able to understand the diagnosis.

I am home now. I am a bit hyper, but peaceful? I am going to rest and maybe work on a small landscaping project for my flower garden.

I am hoping for the best!

Sometimes

Sometimes I hide

Behind kohl eyes with heavy eyelashes,

Behind cherry lips and fire hair,

Behind the dark curtains in my room.

I hide behind memories and stolen kisses,

Behind brush strokes, colours and French perfume,

In stranger’s beds, underneath cold sheets,

In long embraces.

 

I hide sometimes, but I think you know

That sometimes doesn’t mean always,

That I’ll always look at you with the same eyes

So you can recognize me…

I am here, come and find me.