I am not

I am not my last night’s dark thoughts.

I am not weak, I am not worthless, I am not broken beyond repair.

I am kind, I am lovable, I am brave.

The piano is not firewood yet

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Hiccups

The road is long. You have to travel alone. You’ve walked so long and seemed to achieve so much and then something happens and you feel like you’re back to zero.

Well, that is not true, I don’t think so anymore. It’s just like hiccups. You feel uncomfortable for a while and then it will pass. And you are still you. Just a bit shaken.

 

Courage

What does being brave mean to you?

To me, until not so long ago, it meant pushing your limits and not taking sensible decisions. Managing extreme situations by myself equaled that I was brave. Struggling meant that I was a warrior and a warrior is brave, right?

Today, I think that asking for help when you need it, accepting that you have a problem, asking and letting “comrades” to support you in the battle show more courage than anything else.

Other things that make me brave: getting out of the house on a bad day, opening up to a friend, picking up the phone, doing the littlest thing when my body doesn’t want to cooperate and, the most important thing : being alive.

Detachment

“I don’t care” is a lie that I told so many times. Why do I choose to walk away from things instead of confronting them and why do I keep telling that I don’t care when it’s clear that I do?

I wish that one day I will have the courage to leave my heart unprotected and the fear of getting hurt or me hurting others will disappear. Until then…I will try to detach myself.

While in this state, I am distant. I still care, though, quite a lot. I think people would know if they would really look because my colours didn’t change. I am the same person they knew before learning that I am going through a difficult journey. I am the same person I have always been,but if you can’t handle me…then you can walk away.

“But I never changed a single color that I breathe
So you could have tried to take a closer look at me” –Of Monsters and Man, Organs

Dear Life…

I want you. I still want you after all this time, after all the punches you threw at me. Can you come back and give me the gift of feeling one more time? Can you come back and bring my genuine smile with you? Can you?

I know you can because you’ve been here before and everything was vivid, colourful and bright. I had a symphony of feelings and one million songs to play. I had the colour palette of the Universe to paint with and the energy of a storm.

Do you say that I have to be patient? Learn to be patient? It’s difficult when there are so many places to explore, so many people to love, so many songs to hear and so much  to create. I want to experience this fully…I don’t want to be a dimmed version of the soul I’ve always been.

So…can you come back and never abandon me again?

 

Abstract

Hello, reader from near and far…I really don’t know in which direction this blog is going. I think I will sometime use it as a rant journal and other times I will discuss things that interest me. Overall, I think I will let it become a conflicted, complicated and fascinating being, same as I’ve been told I am…

Let’s see how this is going to turn out…