Stop romanticising being busy

My state is not improving I’m afraid. Horrible nightmares haunting me, not being able to sleep without sleeping medication, feeling worthless and borderline suicidal. All in one night…

I hate cancelling plans. I hate not going to work, university, not getting involved. I hate that I have to take days off in order to recover. I can’t accept it when I am not high functioning. It makes me feel weak. It lets my illness come to the surface. That strong persona, the curious, energetic one, is not there anymore. I am home, drained of all my energy…still working. I’m in pain, physically and mentally in pain.

After a long break

I am back? I am never sure. My lack of activity on this blog means only one thing: depressive cycle, low cycle. As time goes by, I am becoming more aware and accepting of my Bipolar type 2 diagnosis.

This post is going to be boring. I’ve been struggling with medication, I had a scare about a possible Lamictal rash, I gained 4 kg and then lost them in less than 2 weeks. Continuous roller coaster. I am overwhelmed, I am trying to be mindful and live in the moment. I am getting there!

I hope all of you are doing well!

Worse

“Things get worse before they get better”, so they say. But for how many times? Why am I here again when all I have been doing was working on getting better?

In moments like these it is so easy to give up. Throw medication away. Therapy? Was that really helping since I am here again? My coping strategies? Are they valid? But I won’t give up.

Moments like these make me understand and have more empathy for the ones who do give up. This continuous struggle is painful. The night seems darker than ever. On top of that, your struggle is invisible. No rash, no fever, nothing on the outside but maybe those tired eyes and broken smile.

“But you were better!”, “Oh…again?”, “Keep positive”…people mean well. I’ve been on the other side, too. The feeling of helplessness the ones who care about you are feeling is tearing them apart.

I’m still trying to figure out how to receive support. Any kind. How do I act when my loved ones are trying to offer me support, but they are not actually educated enough about what I am going through? And what exactly am I going through? I am more confused than ever. There’s no label on it. For a long time I thought that it’s major depressive disorder and anxiety, but now I am not sure anymore…my moods are crazy, this depression comes after what looks very much like a hypomanic episode.

I am trying hard. I’ve been doing my best and I’m going to continue to do my best. It’s just hard with this 1000 tons weight crushing me…

 

 

Back to my low days

It was so wonderful being in heaven for a couple of days. The energy, happiness, optimism. I was so productive and the future seemed so bright. I actually thought that my depression is gone and I felt like being born again, so full of life, love, magic.

And then, after 4 days, I was back to my depressed, lethargic self. I woke up like this. No warning. Waking up and feeling so heavy, feeling like it’s so hard to move. Doing everything at snail pace. Down, crying, not going to class, feeling inadequate and guilty.Looking back at the energetic me from a couple of days ago and wondering where that person has gone.

It’s like running up and down the stairs. One minute I am on top and I can run up and down so easily and so fast. The next moment I am at the bottom and I can barely crawl two steps. Exciting, isn’t it?

Crumbling

Sometimes, even if you do your best, things start crumbling inside yourself and around you. What to do? Get angry at the sky? Get angry at life? Cry?

People are going to hurt you, abandon you, reject you, misunderstand you, give up on you. How can one soul take so many hits and survive? It can! Because no matter what, there will be at least one person who’s there for you. And if you’re feeling all alone and left behind, disconnected and forgotten, you have yourself. You always have yourself.

“At the end of the day, you gotta carry your own weight” and you know what? You can!