Decisions

Let’s imagine the following scenario: you are a twenty something years old student, in your final year, 3 months away from graduation. The field of study is challenging, but you love it. It seems that you have it all going on, that your world is perfect. You are involved, you are the advocate, you stand up for yourself and others. You are a problem solver. On top of this, there’s almost one year since you got your diagnosis of Bipolar Disorder. You managed. You relapsed, you were close to being hospitalised, you kept going.

And now, you are going through hell again. Medication stopped doing much and you lost your balance. You are pushing yourself every single day, you put the smiley face badge on your coat, and you carry your materials and books to campus. People tell you “you look tired”, and you tell them that you pulled an all nighter. It’s not too much of a lie, you did, only it wasn’t because you studied, but because you couldn’t stop the thoughts from spinning inside your head.

You are feeling like you are not capable of completing your academic work. You are sleep walking through your day and spend your nights awake, tormented by negative thoughts.

“You have it all, there’s so little left, why can’t you do it? loser, you are a loser, a coward. How can other people do it? You are going to disappoint everybody. Your dad doesn’t want to talk to you anyway…he knows how much of a disappointment you are. ”

And you have to decide, do you keep pushing even if you are feeling so faint, or do you take time to rest? Why is this so difficult, you ask? Well, after a life of doing what is best for others, it’s hard to see what it’s better for yourself. In fact, you see it, but you choose to do what’s best for others…why?

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Depression makes me clumsy

Depression makes me clumsy and slow. It gives migraines and permanently teary eyes. Movement seems alien today. I am not able to hold a cup without spilling the contents. My hands are shaky, my vision is blurry, I can’t concentrate.

I want to stay in bed all day but I can’t afford it. I have so much to do. I usually don’t work weekends but leaving all I have to do for Monday it’s going to make me feel overwhelmed. I am going to tackle a couple of things, something is better than nothing.

Do you get brain fog? Because I do…the thing I hate the most is that I can’t read. I have to go over a paragraph over and over again. Books were my escape. I love to read. Depression is taking this joy from me. It traps me, leaving no way out…

This too shall pass…but when?

Expectations

I am feeling trapped. Okay, maybe “trapped” is not the right word. It’s just that feeling when you want to live for yourself, focus on your well being, get out of the box that isn’t fit for you.

If expectations would be ropes, I would be completely and tightly tied. It feels exactly like this sometimes. How does one break free?  I can’t change how other people think, I can only hope that they love me enough to support me in my journey. I hope that they understand me enough to see the efforts I make. It requires a leap of faith.

Energy

First of all, I am scared. Second of all, I am confused even if I enjoy this energy boost so much. Let me update you on my last 3 days:

-Insomnia is back and my sleeping medication doesn’t help much.

-I had a total of 12 hours of rest (in 3 days)

-On Saturday I had such a good mood, I was so energetic and hyper.

-Yesterday depression hit me full force, a lot of crying and almost no moving

Today I’m up again. I’m feeling like a bunny. Is this my body telling me that I’m getting better or is this my body telling me that I a bit more messed up than I thought I was?

 

Close

How can we be close to our loved ones if we are physically away? I’ve been away from home since I was 16…and even more so after starting university. Sometimes all the phone calls, messages and video calls are not enough.

Is this distance actually reinforcing our connection or are we slowly growing apart? I’m scared when sometimes I am trying to get closer and I get stopped by high walls. Am I seen as an outsider in my closest social circle?

Do I have a home? Do I have many homes? Where is my true North?