Another hard time

I was depressed. I notified employer 1 hour later than I should have. I asked for adjustments. I tried to work from home. I got no sympathy, the pay was late, I got even more depressed. The same day I sent my resignation letter. After that I was sent a termination of employment notice which was immediately effective. They still owe me my pay.

I had to call in sick because of bipolar. I thought I could manage working full time, but the work environment, lack of training, and lack of meaning made it all worse. I was supposed to learn something, but what I learned was disappointment. It happened once again to me to be treated unfairly and I wish this would not affect me so much, but it does. Since Wednesday I’ve been feeling like I am sinking. I have horrible spells of anxiety which are coupled with irritability and tears. On Wednesday I felt again like it would be better to disappear. I am trying my best to keep it together.

I know that the way they treated me is unfair and I know my rights, but I can’t promise anybody, not even myself, that I will be able to actually fight for my rights…I am depressed. I just want to be okay…I am tired…

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The problem with art

Long time, no post. I guess I’ve been caught in a web of life events, changes, and of course, bipolar swinging moods.

Today I want to reply to a question: why is my blog name ‘theproblemwithart’? Well, I am a creative person, but at the same time I am very practical and love research. To give you an idea about this, before I decided to follow the creative path, I prepared myself for medical school. I think that I would have done a good job in the field because I am blessed with a great capacity of retaining information and a hunger for research and finding solutions. I am now studying a challenging discipline and I love it,even if I had to take a semester off so I can concentrate on my mental health. I guess I kind of got sidetracked from the conversation, please excuse me, this is how my mind works these days.

So, the problem with being a creative person, or at least how I experience it, is that the capacity to create, the ideas, the productivity, they all fluctuate. When I am down I have brain fog and holding a pencil or a paintbrush is almost impossible. Some people thingk that depression can fuel your art, but it’s not the case with me. Holding a pencil or a paintbrush is almost impossible in the conditions when moving one’s body is almost impossible. When I am experiencing my highs, I have so many ideas and my creative energy is at its highest, but I can’t finish any of my projects because the thoughts and ideas are so fast and make me jump from an idead to the next and so on…So, usually, I end up with drawings, renders, and sketches that somehow contain the essence of what I wanted to express, but not being able to complete one piece of work is frustrating and sometimes makes me angry to the point I want to destroy everything I created.

So…this is the problem with art. At least with my art.

PS: I uploaded my first selection of sketches online today. I am excited, yet anxious.

PPS: I am really thinking to put a name on this blog and my story. I am thinking to disclose my identity and help advocating for the people struggling. I am afraid that I am going to be a victim of the stigma, though. Is this going to affect me in getting a job? Are people going to stalk me? I am maybe too worried, but I have to ask these questions before making the decision. What do you think? What is your experience?

 

Patience?

I am worried, disappointed, busy. I am agitated and tired. I am living in a continuous mixed state…

I’ve been told by my GP that it might take more than 6 months to be seen by a specialist. I don’t know what to do. I am thinking about private insurance, but I don’t know if they cover for my condition and these types of appointments.

I am drowning in school work and I can still stay afloat somehow. I just need a bit of rest, a bit of rest I can’t afford…

Taking a break

I am home. It was so difficult to leave the bed. I had an interview I should have attended today, but it was impossible. I am in front of my laptop, and as I am typing this I am feeling like my life is just drained out of my body. My soul is heavy, and if life and energy would be liquid, they’d be on the floor, in a puddle, all around me.

My depression started last Friday. I know that usually, for me, the first week of depression is the worst. Even so, I kept pushing myself. I was present, involved, worked on my projects, met people, organised events, went to the gym. High functioning…

If I would compare my depressive mood with having a broken ankle, the situation would be like this : I got a broken ankle. It hurts and I shouldn’t force it. In order for it to heal, I need to rest my leg and don’t walk around as I would normally do. I have to do it, though, so I am walking around forcing that broken ankle. It hurts so much but I can’t stop. I have to function…

That’s what I did. I kept going despite all of this despair and hurt I am feeling inside. I am taking a break now. One day when I don’t have to limp around on my broken ankle. One day, and hope for the upcoming days…

Weekend

I have been very busy these weeks. I am back on track, or so I think. Out of my hypomanic episode, but I did not crash so hard this time. I guess the mood stabilizer is working.

I am really satisfied with the work I’ve done this week. I participated in a summer academy urban design project in a town nearby. It was challenging and my team has been the “outsider” team. I say this because we were all coming from abroad, not Germans, here as exchange students.

Very important, I managed to work in a constant rhythm while being in my depressed mood. I also managed to present in front of 200 people while my anxiety was eating at me and the constant thought in my mind was “please, don’t throw up here in front of everybody”. And I didn’t. No panic attacks. Everything went well.

I have met some really nice people. We’ve been noticed as a team and our project appreciated and the whole experience was a great networking opportunity.

I am grateful for this busy, challenging and interesting week. I am grateful for being a bit more in control of my mood. I’ll keep moving forward, and if I’ll stumble I know that I can pick myself up.