Decisions

Let’s imagine the following scenario: you are a twenty something years old student, in your final year, 3 months away from graduation. The field of study is challenging, but you love it. It seems that you have it all going on, that your world is perfect. You are involved, you are the advocate, you stand up for yourself and others. You are a problem solver. On top of this, there’s almost one year since you got your diagnosis of Bipolar Disorder. You managed. You relapsed, you were close to being hospitalised, you kept going.

And now, you are going through hell again. Medication stopped doing much and you lost your balance. You are pushing yourself every single day, you put the smiley face badge on your coat, and you carry your materials and books to campus. People tell you “you look tired”, and you tell them that you pulled an all nighter. It’s not too much of a lie, you did, only it wasn’t because you studied, but because you couldn’t stop the thoughts from spinning inside your head.

You are feeling like you are not capable of completing your academic work. You are sleep walking through your day and spend your nights awake, tormented by negative thoughts.

“You have it all, there’s so little left, why can’t you do it? loser, you are a loser, a coward. How can other people do it? You are going to disappoint everybody. Your dad doesn’t want to talk to you anyway…he knows how much of a disappointment you are. ”

And you have to decide, do you keep pushing even if you are feeling so faint, or do you take time to rest? Why is this so difficult, you ask? Well, after a life of doing what is best for others, it’s hard to see what it’s better for yourself. In fact, you see it, but you choose to do what’s best for others…why?

Patience?

I am worried, disappointed, busy. I am agitated and tired. I am living in a continuous mixed state…

I’ve been told by my GP that it might take more than 6 months to be seen by a specialist. I don’t know what to do. I am thinking about private insurance, but I don’t know if they cover for my condition and these types of appointments.

I am drowning in school work and I can still stay afloat somehow. I just need a bit of rest, a bit of rest I can’t afford…

Weekend

I have been very busy these weeks. I am back on track, or so I think. Out of my hypomanic episode, but I did not crash so hard this time. I guess the mood stabilizer is working.

I am really satisfied with the work I’ve done this week. I participated in a summer academy urban design project in a town nearby. It was challenging and my team has been the “outsider” team. I say this because we were all coming from abroad, not Germans, here as exchange students.

Very important, I managed to work in a constant rhythm while being in my depressed mood. I also managed to present in front of 200 people while my anxiety was eating at me and the constant thought in my mind was “please, don’t throw up here in front of everybody”. And I didn’t. No panic attacks. Everything went well.

I have met some really nice people. We’ve been noticed as a team and our project appreciated and the whole experience was a great networking opportunity.

I am grateful for this busy, challenging and interesting week. I am grateful for being a bit more in control of my mood. I’ll keep moving forward, and if I’ll stumble I know that I can pick myself up.