Early morning musings

It’s 5:20 AM. I know that I am becoming unwell. Sometimes I can just feel it. It’s making me angry. Because of this, I’m often thinking that my disorder is not real, that I am faking it. It’s turmoil. 

But enough about me. I am not worried about myself right now, I am more angry at the society we live in. A society where telling your employer about your problems can get you fired. A society where men are considered weak for crying. A society where we are told to keep our problems to ourselves, where talking about mental illness is still frowned upon. 

I am sick and tired of this, and i just want to tell you that you are worth it, beautiful, awesome, wonderful. Your mental illness is not making you weak. You deserve a medal. You are strong. I love you. I care about you. I am going to be by your side. I don’t want to see you checking out of this place. You are worth it. You deserve the best. You deserve happiness. I care. Because you and me are the same. Same stardust. This is a message for you…and it’s a message for me. 

I know that the following days are going to be tough. I know that I might need a bit more help than usual. I know all this. 

I accept it. I am a warrior and will always be one. And so are you!!

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Transition

What is life if not a magical combination of choice and uncertainty? So many things happened in my life recently. Tears, laughter, mania, depression, love, disappointment, tough choices. I am going in the right direction and that means going through a transitional period. Transition hurts. I am still hopeful and clawing my way up these tall walls life has put around me.

Sometimes

Sometimes I hide

Behind kohl eyes with heavy eyelashes,

Behind cherry lips and fire hair,

Behind the dark curtains in my room.

I hide behind memories and stolen kisses,

Behind brush strokes, colours and French perfume,

In stranger’s beds, underneath cold sheets,

In long embraces.

 

I hide sometimes, but I think you know

That sometimes doesn’t mean always,

That I’ll always look at you with the same eyes

So you can recognize me…

I am here, come and find me.

Connection

This poem speaks to me on so many levels. Enjoy!

In an effort to get people to look
into each other’s eyes more,
and also to appease the mutes,
the government has decided
to allot each person exactly one hundred
and sixty-seven words, per day.

When the phone rings, I put it to my ear
without saying hello. In the restaurant
I point at chicken noodle soup.
I am adjusting well to the new way.

Late at night, I call my long distance lover,
proudly say I only used fifty-nine today.
I saved the rest for you.

When she doesn’t respond,
I know she’s used up all her words,
so I slowly whisper I love you
thirty-two and a third times.
After that, we just sit on the line
and listen to each other breathe.
– The Quiet World, Jeffrey McDaniel

Depth

If my soul would be the ocean, my feelings would come from the unexplored depths, and they would be as powerful as the waves during a storm. Deep, intense, overwhelming, sinking my heart. How can one feel so deeply  and manage to keep their heart afloat? How can I stay afloat when I am engulfed in my feelings?

My heart sinks sometimes…and I need another heart to help me come back from the depths of my soul. But I am a heavy heart to carry. Are you strong enough?

Conversations

How powerful a conversation can be! How much it can change your perspective and offer you a way out of your self absorbed vision.

Connection and communication are so powerful and meaningful things we have in our lives and sometimes we take for granted. This is what saves me on some days: a meaningful and raw conversation with another soul. Knocking down walls, caring, being vulnerable. Putting my armor away, being free of that crushing weight I carry every day when presenting myself to the world, is one of the best feelings.

There will always be someone special  out there, who can listen, who can help, who can understand. Don’t give up!

Changes

Each player must accept the cards life deals him or her: but once they are in hand, he or she alone must decide how to play the cards in order to win the game.
— Voltaire

Do I want to win? Win what? I just want to improve myself, understand myself and find what makes me happy. Is everything in life about winning, or is is more about failing and trying again?

Courage, my soul! You have the light to fight the darkness!

 

Follow your heart

Emotional. Feeling so much. Awake and confused and spinning. One thousand thoughts per second. Shaken. Questioning.

Do I really want an answer to these questions inside my head? Do I want to know or do I want to feel?

I know I question things too quickly, dear Mr. Universe. I hope that your plans for me are good. I hope that all the energy and all the love that I feel will never be wasted. More peace and happiness would be a great help right now.