The soul of the party…or not at the party

I haven’t been here for a while. In fact, I’ve been here reading your posts, but I did not feel like writing. I guess “riding the tiger” took all of my energy. I am constantly trying to find the “in between”, balance. The funny thing is, when I do find it (it doesn’t happen very often) I am not happy with it. I am intense. I will always be intense. Lack of intensity is terrifying me.

I guess I will continue to be the life and soul of the party and then disappear for a while. My friends will understand, I hope they will.

In other news, I am thinking to open an Etsy store and sell my paintings. I am also thinking to donate some of the money to research regarding mental disorders or different non profit organisations. And then this question comes to mind: “Is what I do good enough? Would anybody buy it?” I guess this is a common trait in creative people, always second guessing and judging their own work, being their harshest critic.

I hope to find my courage and just do it. I will leave here a detail of an untitled painting, acrylic on canvass. I think it suits my actual mood. Blue, green and “in between”. 

It’s been a while

Since I last had the “patience” and mood to write something. I actually don’t have it right now. I am still in this mixed state, but I am trying hard to keep myself functioning. I am re-learning how to be kind to myself. It is really hard on days like these, when the main feeling is exhaustion and existential despair.

I am hopeful, though. I feel like I am able to cut through all the layers of lethargy and self-loathing. It’s not easy…but I do have a really sharp sword. I am meaner than my demons.