Stop romanticising being busy

My state is not improving I’m afraid. Horrible nightmares haunting me, not being able to sleep without sleeping medication, feeling worthless and borderline suicidal. All in one night…

I hate cancelling plans. I hate not going to work, university, not getting involved. I hate that I have to take days off in order to recover. I can’t accept it when I am not high functioning. It makes me feel weak. It lets my illness come to the surface. That strong persona, the curious, energetic one, is not there anymore. I am home, drained of all my energy…still working. I’m in pain, physically and mentally in pain.

Torn

TRIGGER WARNING: SELF HARM, SUICIDAL THOUGHTS AND IDEATION

I am mixed. I am feeling like my brain and all these racing thoughts are not in sync with my body. My mental and physical health are both in shambles and university hasn’t started yet.

I won’t lie to you, I am afraid. I am anxious because my final year is going to be a stressful year. There’s no way in which I can sugarcoat it. It will be stressful. At the moment, the stress I’ve been exposed to was moving to a new house and new country. It would be a bit overwhelming for anybody, but especially so for a bipolar fighter.

Is it fair? It isn’t. I hate mixed episodes, I hate them with all of my being. I hate the urges to self harm only to feel something real. For me, self harming works like an anchor. When my mind is not in sync with my body, pain is something I can feel, pain is there and it’s real. The cuts are there and they are real, the bruises are there and, again, they are real.

The good thing is that I haven’t given in to these urges. My alternative is drawing on my skin with a red Sharpie marker. I do it to trick my brain into thinking that the process of anchoring has been completed. And it works for me.

Another thing that is totally unbearable when it comes to mixed episodes is having racing thoughts, and racing dark thoughts. You are exhausted, but you have the energy to harm yourself. You are exhausted, but you can be impulsive and overdose on a whim. There is no rhyme and no reason, there are only the impulses, the racing thoughts, the despair.

It’s the most dangerous state for a bipolar, and I am there again. My appointment today was cancelled because the GP had an emergency. I am supposed to see the doctor tomorrow morning.

Please keep your fingers crossed for me. I hope to be able to go through the night, make it for my appointment in the morning, getting my medication adjusted (again), and getting the help I need. I am in a dark place. I need all the light I can gather!