Decisions part 2 

It’s decided. I am taking time off so I can get the treatment I need and the peace of mind I deserve. It’s hard…it was a hard decision, but I need to give myself credit for being brave and going through this process without having panic attacks. 

I am currently feeling tired. The medication induced exhaustion. Headaches, feeling faint, lightheaded. I am still waiting for my body to adjust to the increased dose of antidepressant and mood stabiliser. 

I managed to reduce the amount of sleep medication. Reading before bed helps me a lot. It feels great to have time to read again. I need this. I also made the sketch for a painting I am going to complete tomorrow, and I also want to improve my digital drawing skills. 

The job situation is still not okay, and I don’t know feel like I am able to tackle job applications and CV’s right now. I need some time…The way I lost my job made me get a lot of anxiety about jobs and employers in general. It also made me doubt myself and my skills. What am I supposed to say in the “I consider myself having a disability” box? Yes? No? Revealing my Bipolar diagnostic made me vulnerable. It got me fired. I need to work on this for a while, to get over it. 

Maybe I am over-sensitive, but this experience was traumatic for me. It triggered a serious depressive episode from which I am still recovering. It made me give up on travelling to a beautiful city beacuse of complete exhaustion to the point of getting catatonic…

I am still here, I am still breathing, I am alive, I will recover.

Life is cruel, but beautiful

I forgot when was the last time I posted, but a lot has happened since then. I lost my job, I got out of an emotionally abusive relationship, I lost people and support, I found people and support…

It’s a lot. I am still struggling. I still need time, so much time. To recover, to live again, to love, to enjoy life, as cruel as it is, as beautiful as it is.

As a final year student, my university work has been piling up and I needed to apply for accommodations in order to be able to submit my work and projects. I am trying my best and it seems that I am getting there. The timing is awful, but this had to happen and it would have happened sooner or later. There’s no point crying about it. I am going to learn from this.

There is light in the dark. You can’t be strong if life only treated you well. You don’t know who your friends are until you are going through war. I am growing from the mud like a lotus flower.

 

Recovery

I am recovering…or am I?

Okay. Let me put you in theme with what happened in my life in quite recently. I had a seizure. Yes…a seizure. Epileptic kind of seizure, but I am not diagnosed with epilepsy. Think about collapsing, convulsions, not being able to control my body afterwards.

Sensory overload was the trigger. Light, sounds, smells were way too intense and disturbing. Especially light. I couldn’t open my eyes properly sometimes. Some other times, even with my eyes closed, it seemed like my eyelids weren’t able to protect me from light…

Ambulance, hospital…waiting for an appointment in a specialised clinic. Until then, I need rest. School work is piling up, called in sick at work but will have to return this Friday. I am overwhelmed and I think that I am being in a mixed episode again.

Anger issues. I started crying in the studio and had to run to the restroom where I cried for 1 hour…Back in the studio I couldn’t contain my tears. I am frustrated. I am frustrated that I can’t do the work I have to do, I am frustrated because people are irresponsible and lazy, I am frustrated because I tend to take responsibility and then everybody tends to step back.

When you are high functioning, you can’t properly rest. The world is burning all around me…

Overwhelmed?

It’s been a while, again. I wish I could have kept my schedule and post more often. I guess it’s okay like this too.

So, I am in my home country currently and I am trying to relax and breathe. I am focusing on getting better, eating better, sleeping better. At least this is the goal. Of course, I have to get outside, visit friends and relatives, and adapt to how things are working here once again.

Something is not quite right. Maybe it has to do with the rushed way of life we have, Maybe it has to do with the people being fed up with their miserable wages, or maybe it has to do with a lack of empathy everywhere.

Are you able to “feel” your environment? Because I can. I can and it’s making me irritable and agitated. It drains me. I’m not okay with staying inside and isolating myself, but I think that I need to take my time. It’s for the best. Let me give you an example of what one can experience while walking the city streets: sad and angry people, people rushing, honking cars, frustrated drivers, no space to walk normally, to enjoy, to unwind. Maybe I am too picky. Maybe I am complaining, but all this is crushing me slowly. That’s why I prefer retreating here, near the forest, in this modest, small house. I hope I can fully charge my batteries until I have to go and finish my last year of study…

How have you been?

It’s been a long day

And this day is coming after a lot of other long days…Since my mood went haywire in the last couple of weeks, the appointment I had today felt like relief. I know where I am standing. I know that there is not only my “creative mind trying to find connections.” I know where I am. I am on the right path. 🙂

Conversations

How powerful a conversation can be! How much it can change your perspective and offer you a way out of your self absorbed vision.

Connection and communication are so powerful and meaningful things we have in our lives and sometimes we take for granted. This is what saves me on some days: a meaningful and raw conversation with another soul. Knocking down walls, caring, being vulnerable. Putting my armor away, being free of that crushing weight I carry every day when presenting myself to the world, is one of the best feelings.

There will always be someone special  out there, who can listen, who can help, who can understand. Don’t give up!

Being strong for others

When depression is here, her main and most important “gift” is a pair of grey tinted glasses that make me unable to see the good things around me, especially the good things about myself. I am doing my best not to become cranky, angry and to protect the ones I love from my colourless and mean little self.

Feeling as deeply as I do is both a blessing and a curse. On one hand, caring too much for others and leaving myself behind was one of the main triggers of my depression. On the other hand, caring so deeply is the thing that saves me.

Being there for others can make me or break me, but I am willing to take this risk. There have been situations when I managed to put all this storm of thoughts behind and do my best to help a friend. I want to carry on this way…it’s a step in the process of finding that perfect balance between being soft and strong.

Monday

“The real voyage of discovery consists not in seeking new landscapes, but in having new eyes.”― Marcel Proust

This might be the quote which sets the mood for today. Can I say that I am feeling weird? Because I am feeling weird. It seems to be one of those days when I can’t decide what I am feeling exactly. There’s a silver lining, though: I am not scared of this feeling anymore. It’s exciting and interesting to explore and discover new depths of my own mind. I like learning. I am learning about myself now. I have new eyes.