Energy

First of all, I am scared. Second of all, I am confused even if I enjoy this energy boost so much. Let me update you on my last 3 days:

-Insomnia is back and my sleeping medication doesn’t help much.

-I had a total of 12 hours of rest (in 3 days)

-On Saturday I had such a good mood, I was so energetic and hyper.

-Yesterday depression hit me full force, a lot of crying and almost no moving

Today I’m up again. I’m feeling like a bunny. Is this my body telling me that I’m getting better or is this my body telling me that I a bit more messed up than I thought I was?

 

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My mind is a hurricane

At the moment I do not know where I am from a psychological point of view. I am doing my best. I am keeping a routine. I am taking my medication.

My mother has seen me and her opinion was that I am doing great. I sometimes believe this too. I am well, depression is gone and I can function properly. Maybe I’ve never been depressed!

These are dangerous thoughts. I need to take a step back every time and reassess the situation. Am I really better being given that my insomnia is back? What about my mood swings? Why do they happen?

Am I that good at taming my dark thoughts? I’ve always recovered quite fast after a breakdown.

I’m living in the extremes. Intensity is what I am feeling right now, but in the evening I might feel empty. Maybe I am not patient enough. I am aware that I only started this higher dose of treatment 3 months ago. I am aware that I still need to do a lot in therapy even if we managed to go way underneath the surface from the first sessions…

It’s one of that times when insecurity seems to take over. Going to carry on!

Day off?

I had a rough night. My sleeping medication didn’t help much, even in an increased dose. I’ve been tossing and turning and I had nightmares. I woke up many times to find myself covered in sweat and shaking.

I am doing my best to keep my routine, to sort out my sleep somehow, to get rest. Since the beginning of the week this was really difficult to do. I am back in my insomnia phase and this makes me crumble faster than anything.

Today I need to take a day off. I am going to tackle little tasks and that’s it. I have already spent half of my day in bed, curled under the blanket and trying to tame my headache somehow.

I should spend the rest of the day in “cat mode” :).

Sleep

Hello, Sleep! I think it’s time to discuss our love-hate relationship. I am sorry that I gave you reasons to be really clingy, I don’t blame you, you’re just trying to help. I am just saying that I sometimes need some space, to enjoy early mornings and the sunrise, to hear the birds sing. As sweet as you are, you’re taking a lot of my time, time I could use being present, learning, exploring.

Don’t get me wrong, I don’t want you to go away forever. I know that you have the tendency to disappear sometimes. I want you to stay with me. Give me what I need. Give me just enough.