My state is not improving I’m afraid. Horrible nightmares haunting me, not being able to sleep without sleeping medication, feeling worthless and borderline suicidal. All in one night…
I hate cancelling plans. I hate not going to work, university, not getting involved. I hate that I have to take days off in order to recover. I can’t accept it when I am not high functioning. It makes me feel weak. It lets my illness come to the surface. That strong persona, the curious, energetic one, is not there anymore. I am home, drained of all my energy…still working. I’m in pain, physically and mentally in pain.
Okay…let’s talk about being busy. And the glorification of being busy. Since I was little, this concept of “hard work” and being “busy like a bee” has been implanted in my mind.
Where I am from, owning a house is a full time job. You have a garden where you grow food, you usually have animals to take care of, your parents are usually working long shifts and if you are the older child, you’ll find yourself in the position of caring for your baby siblings.
I can’t remember the last time me and my family had a vacation. And when this happened it was brief, maximum of 5 days somewhere nice.
So, how do I rewire my brain not to punish me with bad thoughts when I am resting or when I don’t have as many things to do? I tend to fill my schedule even when it is not necessary. Part of my depression is genetic and I know there’s not much I can do about it. Even so, the trigger for my depression was burnout. My degree requires a lot of dedication and sleepless nights. Add a part time job and family problems and you have the perfect cocktail to set your brain on fire.
I am currently not facing too much pressure from an academic point of view and sometimes I find it weird when I find myself resting, doing nothing, like the concept of “pausing”is something alien to my being. I am trying to remind myself that nobody is productive 24/7 and that bodies need rest, food, attention and patience.
Wish me luck in my studies. It seems that mastering this one lesson is a bit harder than I thought!