Decisions part 2 

It’s decided. I am taking time off so I can get the treatment I need and the peace of mind I deserve. It’s hard…it was a hard decision, but I need to give myself credit for being brave and going through this process without having panic attacks. 

I am currently feeling tired. The medication induced exhaustion. Headaches, feeling faint, lightheaded. I am still waiting for my body to adjust to the increased dose of antidepressant and mood stabiliser. 

I managed to reduce the amount of sleep medication. Reading before bed helps me a lot. It feels great to have time to read again. I need this. I also made the sketch for a painting I am going to complete tomorrow, and I also want to improve my digital drawing skills. 

The job situation is still not okay, and I don’t know feel like I am able to tackle job applications and CV’s right now. I need some time…The way I lost my job made me get a lot of anxiety about jobs and employers in general. It also made me doubt myself and my skills. What am I supposed to say in the “I consider myself having a disability” box? Yes? No? Revealing my Bipolar diagnostic made me vulnerable. It got me fired. I need to work on this for a while, to get over it. 

Maybe I am over-sensitive, but this experience was traumatic for me. It triggered a serious depressive episode from which I am still recovering. It made me give up on travelling to a beautiful city beacuse of complete exhaustion to the point of getting catatonic…

I am still here, I am still breathing, I am alive, I will recover.

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Looking back

Sleepless nights are great for thinking and meditation and I want to think that I am able to control my racing thoughts sometimes. Last night was one of these nights. I’ve been able to untangle some thoughts from the concentrated cluster.

I was thinking about how much I’ve been through this year. I have two months left until I return home. I am hoping to make the most of them. I have mixed feelings about this year, and I think this is only natural. It’s been a great year overall, but I feel like I could have done more if I wouldn’t have had to struggle with my emotional problems.

This year is going to stay in my memory as both a blessing and a curse. I am grateful for the wonderful experiences, the personal growth this experience has brought, the improvement of my skills. I am especially grateful for the beautiful people I have met.

And, I guess I am grateful that I got a diagnosis as well. It’s been really hard to find a doctor, there were the language barriers, the different systems. Don’t get me wrong, I am not grateful for my disorder, but I am grateful that I was able to get the treatment and support I needed. Knowledge is power and now that I know what’s going on, I can tackle this. I can find my coping strategies, I can understand more of what’s going on inside my quirky brain.

The bottom line would be that, no matter what, I want to look back to this year as being a great experience. Yes, there have been difficulties, yes, I’ve been struggling, but I am here now. I am alive. This is a huge achievement :).

For all the people struggling out there: you are awesome, powerful and great! Don’t give up! It’s going to get better. It’s not a linear process, but you can learn to ride the waves. Much love! ❤

Courage

What does being brave mean to you?

To me, until not so long ago, it meant pushing your limits and not taking sensible decisions. Managing extreme situations by myself equaled that I was brave. Struggling meant that I was a warrior and a warrior is brave, right?

Today, I think that asking for help when you need it, accepting that you have a problem, asking and letting “comrades” to support you in the battle show more courage than anything else.

Other things that make me brave: getting out of the house on a bad day, opening up to a friend, picking up the phone, doing the littlest thing when my body doesn’t want to cooperate and, the most important thing : being alive.