Worse

“Things get worse before they get better”, so they say. But for how many times? Why am I here again when all I have been doing was working on getting better?

In moments like these it is so easy to give up. Throw medication away. Therapy? Was that really helping since I am here again? My coping strategies? Are they valid? But I won’t give up.

Moments like these make me understand and have more empathy for the ones who do give up. This continuous struggle is painful. The night seems darker than ever. On top of that, your struggle is invisible. No rash, no fever, nothing on the outside but maybe those tired eyes and broken smile.

“But you were better!”, “Oh…again?”, “Keep positive”…people mean well. I’ve been on the other side, too. The feeling of helplessness the ones who care about you are feeling is tearing them apart.

I’m still trying to figure out how to receive support. Any kind. How do I act when my loved ones are trying to offer me support, but they are not actually educated enough about what I am going through? And what exactly am I going through? I am more confused than ever. There’s no label on it. For a long time I thought that it’s major depressive disorder and anxiety, but now I am not sure anymore…my moods are crazy, this depression comes after what looks very much like a hypomanic episode.

I am trying hard. I’ve been doing my best and I’m going to continue to do my best. It’s just hard with this 1000 tons weight crushing me…

 

 

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